A Little Background & My Not-So-Scarlett Letter

Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted babies.  Not *a* baby… BABIES.  As a little girl, being the oldest child, I was a leader.  I’m sure my siblings would tell you I was bossy, but what do they know?  They were younger than me!  Even as a teenager, my friends and I would talk about the babies we would have someday…  I just never imagined that those babies would stay in my dreams and never fill my arms.

My husband and I were married on November 4th, 2011 in Southern California.  After growing up living there for 28 years, it seemed only right and my soon-to-be hubby was very agreeable!  The weather in Kentucky is undependable at any time of year, let alone late Fall, early Winter…  PLUS, it NEVER rains in Southern California!!

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I guess Mother Nature just never got that memo!! (Photo Taken the morning of the wedding by the nerve-wracked Bride!!)

It was a simple, backyard wedding.  It was in the backyard of the house I spent most of my years as a child, so that was nice!  Family was there from Kentucky & California, as well as friends from both places!!  After that, we headed off to Atlantis where we had an AMAZING time!!!!!!  In December, we had a gorgeous reception where more family was able to make it!

After we got home, we settled into our new life.  It was beautiful, but in no way perfect!  Everyone that is, or ever has been, married knows that marriage has it’s ups and downs!  They didn’t put the words “For Better or Worse, For Richer or Poorer, In Sickness and in Health” in there for no reason!  We just never actually think that it’s going to be worse, or we’re going to be poorer… and we CERTAINLY always expect health!  In January 2012, yes only 2 short months after we’d gotten hitched, my mother got very sick and was hospitalized. Over the next couple months, there were whirlwind, emotional trips to California. Seeing my mom on life support is not something fun to witness.  She was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and had some very aggressive treatment for just about the rest of the year.  She fought bravely and thankfully, she was declared in remission on Christmas Eve (what a priceless gift, huh?!).  She’s also just very recently received another clean bill of health via a clear PET Scan!  Amidst other challenges my hubby and I were facing, which I’ll detail in a minute, my Mother-In-Law was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in January of 2013. She is quite the fighter… chemo made her VERY, VERY ill and she had to discontinue that course of treatment, but the radiation seems to be picking right up where it left off and not making her NEARLY as sick!  THANK GOD!

I had been diagnosed with Arthritis quite a few years before all this, and before getting married, in speaking with my rheumatologist and telling him that we were going to start trying to get pregnant – which wasn’t recommended with the meds I was on – he told me that any pregnancy I had would be considered “high risk” and referred me to an OB-GYN that specialized in those kind of pregnancies.  In April of 2012, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).  I was put on some medication for it and by August, we were pregnant!

I used to think that women that said they “knew” they were pregnant right away were trying to sell something that I just did NOT buy.  I was wrong.  I knew almost right away.  Same as I did on the day that we lost it.  It’s amazing to me how women’s bodies just… know.  I told my husband in a phone conversation that I was miscarrying, the pain I was having was excrutiating and so terribly unlike anything I’d felt before from a period.  He consoled me and told me I wasn’t, I was just having a rough period because the medicine finally working.  The “special” OB-GYN told me the same thing.  I wanted to scream “LISTEN TO ME!!! I’M NOT ASKING YOU WHAT’S HAPPENING, I’M TELLING YOU!!!!”  He told me to “give it a few more days and if you’re still bleeding, call us back.”  Quack.  Few days later, I was still bleeding.  So, I made the dreaded phone call and they had me come in right away for an ultrasound.  I walked in and gave the obligatory specimen and then was led to the room where they have a jumbo sized HD TV mounted on the wall that shows the deepest, darkest regions of a woman’s insides.  As I waited on the table – feet in stirrups, waiting to be shown what I already knew – the Ultrasound Tech comes in waving a little white test (which I wouldn’t have been waving) and says “Congratulations!!  You’re Pregnant!!  Let’s see what we’ve got going on in there!” Dumbfounded look from me, didn’t you read the chart as to why I’m HERE??  As the ultrasound progressed, her face dropped and dropped and she said “I think I need to go get the dr. Go ahead and get dressed.”  YA THINK?  Worst part?  My Dr didn’t even come in!  He sent his PA!  **insert mad face here**  She used all the right clinical terms – “spontaneous abortion” – that make a woman feel like it’s all her fault, and I left as an absolute mess.

Anyway, that was a rough situation.  But I’ll tell you, after 1 year of trying and seeing “that word” at the bottom of the papers – “INFERTILE” – everything changed in an instant.  I felt like I’d been branded with a Scarlett Letter.  The pain was deeper.  The ache was stronger.  The desire intensified.  It’s funny how the moment you think you can’t have something anymore, the more you want it, isn’t it?

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