In One Word

infertility is

So many words.  I’ve felt every one of them at one moment or another.  Many at the same time.  I know that as a woman, we are known for feeling many things, but I was never fully aware that I could feel so many different things at once.  So many emotions that even conflict with each other.  Happy & sad.  Scared & excited.  Hopeful & devastated.  If I had to choose one word to describe all of my emotions, I would use the word “Insecure”.

When I first moved out here, I busted my tail and lost 80 lbs!  I know, right?!  That’s like a whole Vogue model!  I looked AMAZING, but even better, I FELT amazing!  I had more energy, self-esteem, confidence – all the things society would like us to believe that only being “skinny” will make you feel.  All the hormones I’ve had to take and the emotions I’ve felt have left me exhausted.  It’s a dialogue in my head just to get up and go to work every morning – “Come on, Dacina.  You guys need the money.”  “But I’m so sleeeeeeeepy.  I don’t want to.”  “It’s only 8 hours.”  “9 minus one for lunch.” – and then the voice of reason wins.

Of all the pain I’ve felt, and the things I’ve lost on this journey, I miss my confidence the most.  I look in the mirror and I do NOT like what I see.  I DESPISE the weight I’ve gained because of all the medications.  For some stupid reason, I’m the only one in my family with a tendency to carrying more weight than I should. And for some even more stupid reason, I think that weighing more than I want to, somehow determines the kind of person that I am.  But I know that’s not true!

My husband is the most amazing person.  I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’m glad I got him.  He tells me I’m beautiful – and I believe he ACTUALLY means it.  When he’s holding me and his hands drift towards my stomach, I always clench up and bat them away – embarrassed.  I’m so aware of the part of my body that is the most empty.  As little girls, we used basketballs or towels or pillows or whatever, just to see what it would look like when we got pregnant.  We never thought about THIS possibility.  And now – with my unfortunately expanding waistline – I’m reminded that my tummy is growing, but nothing is inside of it.

After this last IUI failed, I was devastated.  Big, huge, heaving, can’t-catch-my-breath sobs racked my body.  I had kind of known it was coming, but I didn’t realize how much hope I’d held until that red flag waved in my face.  I was going to wait a month to contact the Dr, but my husband reminded me – “That’s like people saying they are going to wait to have kids til they have money, we just have to spend money to try.”  Again – voice of reason.

This cycle is much more aggressive.  Hormone pills and hormone injections.  Even more trips to Cincinnati for unltrasounds, blood work and monitoring.  And now, there is more pressure.  After arguing with the specialty pharmacy about getting everything prior authorized and cleared, and spending more money than expected – I received a phone call from them.  For some reason, someone hadn’t noticed that it had already cleared, we’d already paid and I’d already received the medicine and was trying to run it through again.  But they were getting an error message that we’d reached our “maximum lifetime limit” on the medications.  Meaning that, if this fails, we pay for EVERYTHING.  Out of pocket.  We haven’t decided EXACTLY what that means just yet, but for now it means – if it fails, we wait.  We’ll take it day-by-day.  And on the days I feel like giving up, my husband will remind me what it is we are fighting for…

change the plan

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