As I sit here, we’re minutes away from the time that the warning will expire for our sleepy little town, and it will be well past expired by the time I’m done. Weather radios crackle to life with the warning that a severe storm is headed our way. “For your protection move to an interior room on the lowest floor of a building” warns the weather app on my phone. The news can tell you how fast the storm is moving, when it will hit, how long it will stay and how much damage it may inflict before it moves along. I wish there was something like that for our lives. A warning system that tells us that there are “severe storms” ahead – sharp curves, steep grades, strong winds, driving rain, hail. But how many of us would choose different paths if we knew just what God had planned for us? If we were able to know our afflictions before we faced them, how many of us would beg that it pass us over? I know Jesus did. But then He said “Not MY will, but YOURS be done.”
These last 8 days have been kinda brutal. The hormone injections have affected me more than I thought they would. One day, on the way to work I actually had to pull off the interstate just to vomit. I know, gross – sorry. But, we had our ultrasound and things are looking promising. My body is kinda getting the hang of it, I guess, and produced more follicles in this cycle than it did in the other two combined! As I think about what I’ve put my body through in the last 6 months, I wonder – if I had known how badly the hormones were going to affect me, would I have done it? And the answer is always a resounding YES. Through the nausea and hot flashes and headaches and muscle cramps and sheer exhaustion – I’d totally do it again. To be certain, it’s a gamble. And as one famliy member has recently made very clear, it’s an investment that – thus far – has had zero return. I don’t fault that family member for pointing that out. That point certainly wasn’t lost on me, however.
I know this is hard for everyone – but I’ve found myself retreating. Retreating into a world that consists of my husband and I. It’s peaceful here… and everybody knows my name. The girl that used to be hard to shut up, now goes a couple days without saying much. When you ask me how I am, I’ll say “fine” but I’ll be thinking many other words… Broken. Confused. Anxious. Bitter. Angry. Empty. Defeated. But not one of those words define me. They are just emotions. And if I’ve learned anything in this storm, it’s that – like the wind and rain – they change at any moment.