One Down, One To Go

Well, I made it through Thanksgiving!  The biggest accomplishment of it all?  I didn’t even CRY!!!  I had to pull myself together quite a few times, but not ONCE did those little moist menaces blaze a trail down my cheeks!  While a large part of the suckiness is that we are facing another holiday without a baby, the other part is that – I MISS MY FAMILY!  Yes, it was my choice to move to Kentucky.  Yes, it’s my choice to STAY in Kentucky.  But that does NOT make it stink any less!  ESPECIALLY when I go online to look at the price of plane tickets!

Stack Of Cash

I’ve been watching people do the “Thankful” posts on Facebook…  You know, the ones where they take a break from complaining about EVERY. SINGLE. THING in their lives for 30 days to express the things they should be thankful for every day?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT saying that they’re NOT thankful for those things all year-long, it would just be nice to see Facebook flooded with posts of thanks and love all year, rather than just one month.  I started doing them at the beginning of the month.  First – I’m not very good with keeping up with things like that.  Second – while I can be as gushy and sentimental as I feel here, I almost feel … uncomfortable … doing it on Facebook.  (Weird, I know.)  Third – I’ve NEVER been one to follow trends.  Fourth – after watching both my mother and my mother in law battle cancer the last two years, I’m thankful every day.

This is the 3rd year I’ve spent Thanksgiving with my husband and his family.  Part of his family was missing also, as his sister and her husband and children are in Florida and couldn’t be with us.  Every year, they go around the table and everyone says what they are thankful for.  I was thankful that every time one of them said they were thankful for family, I felt like I was included in that.  I KNOW that they all consider me family.  I consider them family as well.  It still just touches me in a place I can’t quite describe to be reminded that they do.  Although, as much as I loved being around the table with them, my heart was hurting to be home in California with the other half of my family.  My side of the family hasn’t had a Thanksgiving together in probably 8 or 9 years, partly because I moved away, but also for reasons that are another blog entirely.  I still remember little traditions that we had and I seem to miss them more when the times come around that those traditions were carried out.  As I read through a blog earlier by A Hundred Affections, I was reminded just how much traditions shape us as we grow.  Those memories NEVER fade.  Though, it seems, the ones that dull suddenly come rushing back when presented with a mere vision of how life WAS.  I will forever be thankful for those memories.

As we all migrated to the living room to stretch out and relax after stuffing ourselves, conversation flowed freely.  The kids were running in and out and up and down and all over, like they always do!  At one point, my nephew came in to tattle on his sister.  I have never been a fan of tattling.  When I owned my child care, they KNEW that I simply wouldn’t tolerate it.  I feel like children need to figure out how to resolve conflicts as early as they can without having to resort to some kind of interference on an authority figure’s behalf – as, if they don’t, it will only transform them into those people who run to management or whoever when they have issues later on in life.  Anyway!  As JW insisted that he “wasn’t tattling, she just won’t do what I want,” I imparted some of my “wisdom” on him about what tattling really was.  No matter how long I am on this journey, I am NEVER prepared for the question that came from the friend of the family – “Dacina, why aren’t YOU a mom yet? You seem to have ALL the right answers for these kids!”  “Uh.  Um.  Well.  Uh.  Yeah.  We’re trying.”  (not so wordy now, huh?!)

The temperatures out here have been on a steady decline the last month or so.  It even SNOWED the other night!  There is just something about snow that is so peaceful and magical to me.  Having lived in a town for a large part of my life that would bring snow storms to dump amounts as tall as I was, watching the snowflakes fall automatically takes me to this peacefully reminiscent place in my mind.  I know people think I’m crazy when I say this, but I LOVE the sound of the falling snow.  “Snow doesn’t make a sound”, you say.  I say, listen next time!  That quiet whisper you hear in the air when it’s snowing are those magical flakes touching everything and blanketing the world around you in newness.  I can’t think of anything else that can completely transform everything in my view as efficiently and beautifully as snow.

This picture taken by Me

This picture taken by Me

I’m REALLY hoping for a White Christmas this year.  More than that, I’m hoping that I can make it through Christmas as tear-free as I made it through Thanksgiving!  I’m prepared for it to NOT be as easy, however.  Even just thinking about it I can feel those bullies tugging at my ducts!  But, I’m going to put on my big girl panties, wrap the presents, decorate, play Christmas music, buy presents and generally put on the performance of a LIFETIME.  If I leave the room for a minute unannounced, just know this – I may not be ok at that moment, but I will be.

im okay

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2 thoughts on “One Down, One To Go

  1. Good for you, girl! I am so glad you made it through the day without tears. It’s funny, it wasn’t on my radar on Thanksgiving. At all. Which is weird, b/c last year this time, I was pregnant, bleeding, on my way to a definite miscarriage. I think that I am so relieved to be done with the physical part of my 2nd miscarriage and wanting to feel normal, I wasn’t even feeling the ‘missing the baby’ feeling.

    I feel the EXACT same way as you do with the FB 30 Days of Thankful for the SAME reasons. I am definitely more transparent here than on FB and – not as free on FB – maybe b/c I have so many people who know me in real life – for work, former students ,etc…just a little more guarded.

    Anyway, I am sorry you are missing your family. It is so hard to be separated. We have Thanksgiving with Js family before his parents moved,and it was quiet, serene and we all went around the table and said what we were thankful for. SO different than my house, but I actually really liked it!

    Sorry about that comment…ugh, so hard to hear. Why don’t people think??? Sounds like you handled the day brilliantly, and I am sure you will do the same for Christmas. Here’s to new things in 2014!

  2. I can understand the “wanting to feel normal” part!! My miscarriage wasn’t nearly as invasive as yours and I remember the wanting to feel normal feeling! I’m glad that it’s over though… I’m just sorry that it happened.

    It’s funny how alike writers in general are (though I use the term ‘writer’ loosely in my case lol) in that we find places that we feel safe and just let it rip! I think for me, while I mostly don’t care what people think, that I am partly afraid of being judged! Silly, I know! But being more ‘guarded’ TOTALLY hits the nail on the head! I didn’t even think about the fact that we mostly spill our guts to people that we don’t know! Of course, I share my blogs to Facebook, so that kinda leaves me a little less guarded and a WHOLE LOT more vulnerable!! I think I may need to amend that!!

    It is SO hard to be separated!! Especially when I see the little faces of my nieces and I just want to squeeze them! I have days that my arms physically ache because I want to hug them so badly!! But sometimes it’s nice to have new traditions….

    The question was tough!! I know this person doesn’t know of our struggle, but if I knew a couple that had been married for a couple years, I wouldn’t just be throwing something like that out there! I’d be waiting for them to volunteer information!!!

    I did my best!! Thank you so much for the encouragement! I am so thankful for you!!!!!

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