I did something today that I do every day. I looked at my phone. But for some reason – about the 1,893 time I looked at my phone today – I could only see one thing. The date. Sunday, December 22. SERIOUSLY?! Surely my phone was lying! I’ve even changed the mouse in our Countdown Calendar every day and it STILL didn’t hit me… THERE ARE ONLY 3 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
My life isn’t counted by days or years anymore. It’s counted by months – 25 to be exact. 25 long months have come and gone. Some brought more pain than others. Some have been bearable. Some have been good. Some have been miserable. We’ve been waiting for one to be great. I’ve ALWAYS dreamt of giving a card that said “Merry Christmas, Daddy/Grandma/Grandpa/Aunt/Uncle”. Oh, how I prayed this year would be it. But instead, in some cruel twist, I’m supposed to receive a “gift” that I dread on Christmas Eve. Of all the family coming to town, this is the one that I would like to just skip this holiday all together. My dreaded aunt.
You know how when you have allergies, you go in for shots to desensitize you? I’ve been practicing that concept since the day after Thanksgiving, with Christmas movies and music. I figured – the more I exposed myself, the less I would feel. Part of me has wanted to fake some kind of illness to get out of the family get-together we have every single year, so I don’t embarrass myself in some sobbing, messy display. (Although at the rate my husband and I are going with illness, I may not have to fake ANYTHING!) Today, I realized that my desensitization process may have worked! While I haven’t quite hit ‘happy’, ‘numb’ is going to have to do. Although, I feel the emotion building as I think about it.
Apparently, infertility is an invitation. People come out of the woodwork with advice, ideas, opinions, diets, exercises, etc.. I appreciate the intentions behind (almost) all of them. We’ve gotten support and love. Recently, I’ve also gotten chastisement and scolding. Some of it was directed. Some of it was indirectly directed. Some that know of our struggle, yet post about how people who complain or whine about not having kids not knowing how good they have it. People are just plain mean. And then there’s those who are supposed to be the closest to you that, no matter how many times or how many different ways you try to explain it, still just don’t get that just because THEY think that it should work a certain way, doesn’t mean that it WILL. ‘Relaxing’ and ‘letting go’ works just as well for getting pregnant as it does for curing cancer.
And then there are the days that my husband tells me that not everything has to be about that 4 letter word – “baby”. I try SO hard not to make every day about that! I wish I could explain to him just HOW hard I try not to make every day about that! I know that he just wants his fun-loving, spontaneous, confident wife back. I wish I could wrap that up and put it under the tree for him. I wish I knew where to find her. I miss her, too. I had a friend that I’ve met through this journey tell me the other day that she feels like 2014 is OUR year. It’s the year of the 4 letter word. OH, how I pray she is right!!