Fear, Meet Hope.

I follow quite a few blogs on here.  Honest moment:  I, sadly, don’t always get the chance to read every single blog that comes across my feed.  Even more honest moment:  I sometimes skip past some intentionally. *gasp*  I know, I know.  That’s terrible of me.  Let me explain.  This journey is HARD.  I’ve not been on it as long as most of the blogs that I follow or even as long as some of the friends I know personally.  But pregnancy announcements turn me into this bitter, judgmental person that I would just rather not deal with.  So, sometimes, SOMETIMES I skip past those.  But then…  I sit and wonder “what does it feel like?”  “how did they know?”  “what are their dr’s saying?”  And I go back and read them.

IMG_3849

In the last couple weeks, however, I’ve realized another reason why I skip past them.  It’s another four letter word.  FEAR.  Fear that I will never get to experience ‘those’ feelings.  Fear that I will never be able to give my husband a piece of him and I.  Fear that I’ll never again see that second pink line, or that I’ll never see an ultrasound with a tiny, little life playing the starring role.  And then, as I log in to read those happy announcements, it becomes something different.  Sad retractions of pain and heartache.  Another angel given their wings too soon.  Fear turns inward once again.  Fear that I may never again be able to carry a child.  Fear that I’ll hear those words from my OB again.  Fear that I’ll have to tell my husband and those close to me of a loss.  Fear that I’ll never get to tell our child about how much our Heavenly Father loves them.  And my heart breaks.

dear Lord

As selfish and ‘me, me, me’ as it all sounds, my heart also breaks for each of those beautiful, deserving women.  Women that go without in order to touch their dreams, even if only for a moment.  Women that sacrifice small pleasures for a chance at eternal happiness.  Women that battle heartache and pain, and then dust themselves off to do it all over again.  And I only hope that one day I will be worthy of being in that category.

Conversations in this house are funny.  Usually, it’s one of us trying to find a new, fun way to irritate the other.  Some days, there’s not much talking.  Some days there’s TOO much talking.  Some days there’s crying.  And other days I cry.  Just kidding, I never cry.  Ok, maybe once or twice.  Some days we yell, and other days we get to the heart of an issue and are able to talk about it lovingly and with great understanding.  Today was one of those days.  I’ve packed on some serious pounds in the last year or so with all the hormones.  I’ve said it before, I HATE what I see when I look in the mirror.  For some odd reason, my husband still thinks I’m beautiful.  And not just a shut-up-I-think-you-look-fine kinda beautiful as I complain about the fact that yoga pants are my wardrobe anymore.  But an I-just-want-to-touch-you-when-I’m-near-you kinda beautiful.  I contribute it to the fact that we paid money for glasses that he never wears.  But there is something to be said for a man who loves a woman that much.  And for a woman that doesn’t appreciate it.  Glad I’m not her!

Fear has really become a big part of my life lately.  I pretty much hate it.  But I always live through it.  I’ve been terrified of this month.  Heck, we are only 6 days into it, so I’m still a little scared.  I’m afraid of what will happen.  I’m afraid of what won’t happen.  Sometimes, I don’t trust God enough.  I just give him the crumbs after I’m done chewing my problems for a while.  And then, even through the hardest, darkest, most broken moments, He reminds me that He is there.  And He is capable.  New Years Day I was pretty sick.  Pneumonia hit me pretty hard.  I’d spent most of the day and the day before in bed sleeping.  I decided that I’d had enough and that we were going to J’s parent’s house for dinner to spend the last little bit of time with family that was in from out-of-town.  And as we left, the sky was just AH-MAY-ZING!!  I’m talking gorgeous, breath-taking, color changing amazing!!  Here I am, afraid of January and God is reminding me that He’s still in charge.  He showed me in a BIG way!

Sunset on Taylorsville Lake (captured by me)

Sunset on Taylorsville Lake (captured by me)

So many people talk about one word that they make their ‘word’ for the new year.  I won’t choose just one word, because there really is no one word that can define the mess that is me.  However, there is one word that every woman on the TTC journey can closely identify with.  It’s another four letter word.  HOPE.  I’ll take that over fear any day of the week.

fear meet hope

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6 thoughts on “Fear, Meet Hope.

  1. Hope is a fabulous word to chose because Jesus is hope and with Him, you will never be disappointed. Last year, I didn’t pick a word, but a word picked me and it was hope…I started an infertility group called hope (Holding On to the Promises and Expectations) (you can find the online support group by clicking the like button on my blog).

    Keep holding on to that hope because the Bible says that hope in God (not other things) will NEVER disappoint. He is faithful! He is merciful! He is loving!

    I love the verse Hebrews 10:23 and I have it taped to my fridge. It says, “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” The devil will try to steal your hope by dropping thoughts of fear, worry, or doubt into your mind because he knows that without hope, you have nothing for which faith can be launched from and faith is the language of God. I once heard that faith is the hand that reaches up and takes the blessings from God. I’m praying and believing this is the year that you are constantly filled with hope and joy as you wait for your baby.

    Psalm 113:9 “He settles the barren woman as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.”

    waitingforbabybird.com

  2. This is my word for the year! Don’t lose hope! You are not an awful person. I feel like this sometimes, too! But then, I ask myself, ‘Would I want the alternative – to go through all the agony of a loss?’ Of course not. We do not mean these women ill…we just want it too. Totally normal! Hugs, friends!!! xo I’ll be there to encourage you with hope this year! We can’t let fear win!!! xo

    • Thank you, beautiful lady!! I won’t lose hope!! You are one of those beautiful, deserving women I spoke of!! I definitely don’t wish any woman ill! Thank you for reminding me I’m normal! I’ll be there to encourage you too!! ❤️❤️

  3. I skip some blogs, too. Some days, I just fight jealousy, then self-pity…and it gets pretty ugly from there. But Hope is my word for this year. I’m excited to see how Jesus will bring this word to life for you! xoxo

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