From the time some little girls realize that boys don’t actually have cooties, they start dreaming of their wedding day.
It’s a magical day where they get to be the princess and everyone waits hand and foot on them. Beautiful dress. Gorgeous shoes. Amazing Flowers. And of course, Prince Charming.
They get to pick their favorite colors and flowers and people to create a fantasy moment. I know, for some, simple is perfect. And for others, extravagant isn’t enough.
But for me – I was somewhere right in between.
I still remember as a young girl (in fact, I’m certain I have pictures SOMEWHERE but I’ll probably never see them again) being decked out in a wedding gown that was far too big for me and having a mock wedding, with a little boy whose mother was my mother’s best friend. I’m certain I was
just as bossy possessed just as many leadership skills then as I do now.
Somewhere along the way, that dream day became just that – a dream. I started focusing more on a career and less on finding Mr. Right. Boy, am I glad that God had other plans for me.
Our wedding wasn’t quite as big as I thought it was going to be. If I’m being honest, there’s a few things I’d change about it. But there is ONE THING I am absolutely, positively sure of. And that’s my husband.
It hasn’t always felt that way. We have our moments where I’d really just rather he leave me alone – forever. He knows EXACTLY what buttons to push and I’d love nothing less than to physically harm him in some way. (Relax. I never would. I don’t think.) And I’m sure he’s thought the EXACT same about me!
The one thing about my dream day that had always remained the same was that I knew how I wanted it to look. I had ALWAYS wanted everything to be black and white – with only red roses. And I wanted an evening wedding with twinkle lights and candles. It really did turn out BEAUTIFUL!
We picked out ALL of our own music. J even remixed a song for our walk down the aisle as a married couple. It started as the Wedding March, and then faded into ….. Ready for this? “Another One Bites The Dust”. Yup. We were that couple. I loved hearing the shocked gasps turn into laughter as people realized that it wasn’t just the music messing up, but rather us expressing our personalities the best way we knew how.
One of my very good friends from high school was the photographer. We have some AMAZING pictures from the wedding.
I had so many people tell me “Make SURE you video record the ceremony!! Everything will go so fast that you won’t remember it and you will want to see it someday!!” So, I checked many different places out. In the end, I was convinced to let some very long-time family friends record it for us. We’ve known them forever, what could go wrong?
Imagine my disappointment as we fast-forward (see what I did there?) two and a half years later and not only am I still without a wedding video but FINALLY received a response to my multiple requests stating that they don’t even own the camera anymore and that the video was on the internal memory and never saved to a disc………. That’s earth-shattering stuff to me. I’ve been sick to my stomach all day.
You know how when someone loses one of their senses, all of their other senses are heightened? I kind of feel like that’s what infertility has been for me.
It’s a loss. A devastating, emotional, heartbreaking, everyday loss. That reminds me that life is precious.
While longing for what I don’t have and mourning it, it reminds me to look at what I DO have and be grateful for it.
While our friends and families attended the wedding (of which I have no recording), we are attending the marriage.
He still dances with me in the kitchen while I’m cooking dinner.
He still looks at me sometimes like I’m the prettiest girl he’s ever seen.
He still tells me he loves me at the most random moments of the day.
He still makes me laugh at some of the most inappropriate moments.
So while we may have empty arms, we have full hearts. And it all started on that magical day.