Long time, no see!
I want to take a second to just say THANK YOU. To all of you that have unconditionally supported – and continue to support – us through all the trials we’ve faced in the last 4-5 years. It’s certainly been a roller coaster and we could NOT have made it through without the love, prayers, and encouragement that we have received.
I’ve not shared much of what happened on our adoption journey and I guess it was mostly because – for a while – we were just waiting. While we were waiting, one of my tasks was to create a book that our adoption agent could use to show to prospective birth families. It was supposed to have pictures of us, stories about us, where we live, grew up, what we like to do for fun, etc.
Folks, let me tell you – that book was HARD.
You know how movies have previews? And it’s basically the highest/funniest points of the movie shown? The ones that really sell you on the movie and make you say ” I HAVE to see that!”? I kinda felt like that’s what we were doing. I know it sounds a little taboo to say that we were ‘selling’ ourselves, but it felt that way. I felt like we needed to find the best pictures and the best stories so that we’d really catch someone’s eye. And the more I worked on the book, the more my emotions started building.
My emotions were already crazy heightened (I’m sure my husband would be happy to vouch for that), but this seemed to tip me right over the edge. Aside from all of the obvious unfairness about adoption – birthmothers placing their children, adoption agencies making so much dang money, etc. – it did NOT feel fair that someone else got to choose if and when we got to be parents based on whether or not they liked our book.
If you know me, you know that I’ve struggled with deep, dark depression for many years. I fought that darkness for so long while dealing with treatments and miscarriages, but all of a sudden, the perfect storm converged and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Being a mother is something that I have longed for as far back as I can remember. And after getting married, being a parent became a shared dream. Never would I have thought it would stay a dream.
We fought long and hard to reach our goal. We gladly gave up a lot of things and cut back on so many more to save everything we could. We were asked by so many amazing people how they could help, so we reached out to all of you and you stepped up in ways we never could have imagined. All of your donations got us SO MUCH FURTHER than we ever could have gotten alone. And we could never fully thank all of you properly.
But as I started looking at our life, I realized that – even though the cost of adoption was high, the price we were paying through health and our marriage was even higher.
J was working two jobs (still is) and I was stretched so thin emotionally, that it started manifesting itself physically. After talking (A LOT), praying (A LOT), crying (just me but A LOT), and realizing that we’d exhausted our donations and funds towards the adoption, we decided that we were going to just take a step back.
From the day we got married, we were so focused on starting a family that we forgot to recognize that we already WERE one.
So, that’s where we are now. We’ve put adoption on hold and are spending time learning how to just be who we are instead of stressing over who we could be.