Today is a tough day. It’s National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. And while my heart still hurts when I think about it, my heart is heavy for those that have recently, or are currently, experiencing it. Tonight at 7pm begins the “Wave of Light.” Whatever time zone you are in, light a candle and let it burn for one hour. When that hour is up, someone in another time zone will be lighting their candle, and so on and so on. A single act done by one that multiples and lights the world, if only for a short time.
My husband and I differ on whether we should participate in the sentiment of this day. He feels that, while remembering is good, that we should move on and focus on the good that’s to come. I FULLY appreciate where he is coming from, and agree even – to an extent. To me, this day isn’t just about remembering what was lost, but remembering the hope for what was, and what’s yet to be.
Last week was rough for me. Particularly Friday, yet if you asked me to give a concrete reason why, I couldn’t. After a day filled with tension and frustration, I decided to walk to our local grocery store – I’d basically be killing two birds with one stone because I’d be getting exercise in and, I’d be getting wine! Walking along the storefront, I passed this man pushing a cart with the most gorgeous, peaceful, sleeping, brand-new baby girl in her precious pink carrier – and I lost it. In front of the grocery store. In front of a bunch of people. In the little town I live in. I tried SO hard not to cry. My lip started to quiver and the knot built in my throat, but I FORBID any tears from falling. Apparently, they didn’t get the memo. I’m learning to let myself feel my emotions in order to move past them, but I did NOT intend to feel those emotions at that particular time!
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines awareness as “knowing and understanding a lot about what is happening in the world or around you”. I think that most women that have experienced or are experiencing infertility have realized that there is a SERIOUS lack of awareness. People often think that we share what’s going on in our lives for sympathy or pity. But rather, we do it because it’s a part of who we are – whether we want it to be or not. Education is the only way to raise awareness.
I know I live in a very small part of the world, and no matter where I am, my part of the world stays as small as I make it. But I’ve talked to some amazing people on this journey, and I’ve gotten a response that I didn’t expect. Love. Understanding. Compassion. Prayer. And hopefully, I’ve been able to touch just one person in this exploration of who *I* am through all of this. But if not, I’ve learned a WHOLE lot about ME – and I kinda like me.