3 Days And 4 Letter Words

I did something today that I do every day.  I looked at my phone.  But for some reason – about the 1,893 time I looked at my phone today – I could only see one thing.  The date.  Sunday, December 22.  SERIOUSLY?!  Surely my phone was lying!  I’ve even changed the mouse in our Countdown Calendar every day and it STILL didn’t hit me… THERE ARE ONLY 3 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

3 days til Christmas

My life isn’t counted by days or years anymore.  It’s counted by months – 25 to be exact.  25 long months have come and gone.  Some brought more pain than others.  Some have been bearable.  Some have been good.  Some have been miserable.  We’ve been waiting for one to be great.  I’ve ALWAYS dreamt of giving a card that said “Merry Christmas, Daddy/Grandma/Grandpa/Aunt/Uncle”.  Oh, how I prayed this year would be it.  But instead, in some cruel twist, I’m supposed to receive a “gift” that I dread on Christmas Eve.  Of all the family coming to town, this is the one that I would like to just skip this holiday all together.  My dreaded aunt.

dear tampax

You know how when you have allergies, you go in for shots to desensitize you?  I’ve been practicing that concept since the day after Thanksgiving, with Christmas movies and music.  I figured – the more I exposed myself, the less I would feel.   Part of me has wanted to fake some kind of illness to get out of the family get-together we have every single year, so I don’t embarrass myself in some sobbing, messy display.  (Although at the rate my husband and I are going with illness, I may not have to fake ANYTHING!)  Today, I realized that my desensitization process may have worked!  While I haven’t quite hit ‘happy’,  ‘numb’ is going to have to do.  Although, I feel the emotion building as I think about it.

Apparently, infertility is an invitation.  People come out of the woodwork with advice, ideas, opinions, diets, exercises, etc..  I appreciate the intentions behind (almost) all of them.  We’ve gotten support and love.  Recently, I’ve also gotten chastisement and scolding.  Some of it was directed.  Some of it was indirectly directed.  Some that know of our struggle, yet post about how people who complain or whine about not having kids not knowing how good they have it.  People are just plain mean.  And then there’s those who are supposed to be the closest to you that, no matter how many times or how many different ways you try to explain it, still just don’t get that just because THEY think that it should work a certain way, doesn’t mean that it WILL.  ‘Relaxing’ and ‘letting go’ works just as well for getting pregnant as it does for curing cancer.

nothing worth having comes easy

And then there are the days that my husband tells me that not everything has to be about that 4 letter word – “baby”.  I try SO hard not to make every day about that!  I wish I could explain to him just HOW hard I try not to make every day about that!  I know that he just wants his fun-loving, spontaneous, confident wife back.  I wish I could wrap that up and put it under the tree for him.  I wish I knew where to find her.  I miss her, too.  I had a friend that I’ve met through this journey tell me the other day that she feels like 2014 is OUR year.  It’s the year of the 4 letter word.  OH, how I pray she is right!!

2014

Aside

Hope for Our Miracle

Every year I look forward to Christmas.  I’ve always loved the feeling in the air as it approaches.  Every one seems a little bit friendlier and moods seem a little bit lighter – except on Black Friday of course!  Carols fill the air at shopping venues, lights twinkle brightly and the smell of fireplaces brings a feeling that is unmatched.  This year, however, a feeling that can only be closely compared to dread has accompanied the anticipation of the holidays.  I’m still HAPPY they’re here, I’m just kind of afraid of how I’ll handle them.

I keep thinking that the more I “fake it,” the easier it’ll get.  So, last night my husband and I began decorating for Christmas.  I turned on Christmas music and made homemade Apple Cider.  Garland, bows, lights,  Nativity (a collaboration of mine and my husband’s talents), Christmas Village (made by me!), Snowmen, Nutcracker, Candles…  EVERYTHING!!!  I haven’t been feeling all that great lately, so I didn’t get much further than a couple of strands of lighted garland hung.  Tonight, however, I was feeling a little better after some MUCH NEEDED rest and once again, turned on the Christmas music and began the process of putting up the tree.

I LOVE LIGHTS!  I probably use 6 strands at LEAST and I weave them on every single branch.  I used to like only white lights, but my husband has kinda converted me to colored lights (DON’T TELL HIM!).  After all the lights were on the tree and I had everything set just how I wanted it, I began to dig through our ornaments.  My husband and I started a tradition on our honeymoon, which is buying Christmas ornaments from the places we visit because we both LOVE Christmas so much!  We have this AMAZING ornament from Atlantis along with others from Myrtle Beach, Ponce Inlet Lighthouse and others.  Plus we got quite a few from friends from after we got married.  In addition to those, I have added a few to our collection that I have made myself!  I made some little Snowmen ornaments and I also bought some clear glass ornaments and filled one with our wedding invitation – cut into pieces and curled along with paper that matched our wedding colors – and then I also filled another with the roses from our 1 year wedding anniversary.  Sadly, the 1 year wedding anniversary ornament didn’t make it!  Here is a peek:

atlantis ornament myrtle beach ornament lighthouse ornament snowman ornament wedding ornament

As I was digging through the box, I also found this:

ornament

What is that, you ask?  That is the one glass ornament I saved – to fill with an ultrasound picture and a Baby Shower Invitation.  Seeing that ornament empty struck me harder than I expected and the next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor in front of the Christmas tree crying.  I didn’t expect that ornament to be empty again this year.  There are little reminders everywhere of the emptiness that I feel.  Some days are easier to be strong than others.  Some days I can brush away the tears and move on.  Other days, it’s like a faucet that’s sprung a leak and there’s not enough duct tape in the world to stop the flow.  And I think that’s part of why I’m afraid of the holidays this year.

After I pulled myself together, and only with one or two temper tantrums, I finished putting up our Christmas tree.  And it looks beautiful (even if I do say so myself).  My husband even COMPLETELY decked out our patio!  His excitement for this time of year is contagious, so I’m hoping I’ll catch some of it!  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again….  I’m SO glad that I have him by my side.

tree patio

Don’t get me wrong.  That is NOT going to stop me from enjoying them!  I am going to drag myself – probably often kicking and screaming – through this next month with a SMILE on my face!  I’m still debating whether I’m going to use that ornament this year anyway for someone who deserves it and then buy more when our miracle comes – or keep it, as a reminder that we have hope for that miracle.  After all, that’s what Christmas is about, right?  HOPE.

hope_2