Being A Miracle

For those of you that are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram, you know that I made a post a bit ago that alluded to an emotional decision.  This is the blog that is going to explain that decision.

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy.  I remember as a little girl subjecting my dolls to diaper changes and baths and feedings.  I have worked with children in so many different capacities and it has always been the one thing that has made my heart feel full.

Infertility has attempted to take that from me.

It has attempted to take the excitement I would feel when I see a pregnant woman.

It has attempted to take the joy I would feel when I would go to see a friend of mine who had gone into labor or had a baby.

It has attempted to take the giddiness I would feel when thinking about a baby-making opportunity with my husband.

Infertility has attempted to replace those feelings with jealousy, anxiety, feelings of failure, sadness.

And most days, infertility has won those battles.  But infertility won’t win the war.

After 32 long months of prayer, heartaches and long conversations with J,  the fact remains that our calling in life is simple.

To be parents.

If there is one lesson I have learned REPEATEDLY, it is that biology is the VERY LEAST of what makes someone a parent.

After our 3rd failed IUI, as I was messaging J through the sobs and tears, he made a comment that I have never forgotten.  “I know how badly you want this, and I do, too.  But maybe there’s a child out there that needs US more than we need this.

And with that on our hearts, we have decided to stop pursuing the avenue of IVF and go full steam ahead down the path of adoption.

I can’t lie and say that there isn’t a small part of me that feels like I am “letting go” of the dream of seeing our biological child look at me through their daddy’s eyes.  It would have been a welcome miracle to get pregnant, but to have the opportunity to be a miracle to a child that otherwise may not have a chance?  Now THAT’S big!

We have changed our IVF fundraiser to an Adoption fundraiser and will hopefully soon be having a homestudy done in order to move one step closer to building our family!

Miraculously My Own

I have SO many emotions and nerves!  I constantly find myself wondering whether I will actually be a good mom…  But I guess it’s one of those things you can’t really study for.  You just jump in the deep end and learn to swim as you go!

I know that this process can take quite a long time, so J and I would GREATLY appreciate all of the prayer and good thoughts you can send our way!

If you’d like to check out our fundraiser (or donate!) you can find it at www.youcaring.com/munchkin-mcnabb

You can also “like” our Facebook page – Munchkin McNabb

Thank you SO much to all of you for your support and love through our journey!!  We are so amazingly grateful!!

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That Day

Well, we made it through Mother’s Day. Mostly unscathed, I’d say.

This year was especially difficult because my mother and I are on the outs… It’s mostly because of a blog I wrote a few months ago. I knew I ran the risk of it not being perceived well by all, and it wasn’t. I was informed that I did it because I was bitter and jealous and told that I needed to move on with our lives. But I still vehemently maintain that I did the right thing and I have absolutely zero regret.

The week leading up to Mother’s Day was eventful and stressful! We had some “snags” at the bank & our house purchase was put on hold. (Thankfully, that’s cleared up! We move in the end of the month!).

I ALSO wrote the blog for Attain Fertility that was posted on Mother’s Day. I was actually pretty shocked at how well it was received!!! If you’d like to read it, please check it out here: “Un-Mother’s Day”.

Saturday was a rough day. Tears at the drop of a hat. Emotional outbursts. And that was just my husband. (Ok, I’m lying, it was me.)

I had FULL intentions of going to church on Sunday morning in support of my mother in law – who is an absolute Godsend and I don’t know what I’d do without her – and I’d even picked out what I was going to wear. But I think my husband decided on about my 10th breakdown as I asked through tears & sobs “How am I going to make it through tomorrow?!” that we wouldn’t be attending church, only the cookout afterwards with his family.

I’d woken up fairly early that morning and tossed and turned. I felt SO badly for not going to church, and then I noticed a text from my MIL. It simply said that she knew how painful the day was and completely understood if we didn’t make it to the service. She said she hoped to see us for the cookout. See? GODSEND.

So anyway, I’ve kinda been an emotional wreck the last week or so! I haven’t wanted to check my blogs or comment or anything. And Facebook? Ugh. I tried to steer clear of my newsfeed most of the day! I did get a few lovely Mother’s Day texts that touched my heart!

I hope that all of you had a fairly peaceful day, in spite of all the emotions!! I said a LOT of prayers that day for all of the people that were struggling that day.

From Cloud Nine to Ground Zero {NIAW}

What I’ve learned on this journey is that it is a roller coaster.  An out-of-control, up-and-down, give-you-whiplash kind of roller coaster.

emotional roller coasters

There are moments that hurt and hope occupy the same space in your heart.

When you first hear the diagnosis – infertile – its shocking.  But what’s more shocking than that are the things they DON’T tell you.

Like how every time you see a pregnant woman, you’ll have to look the other way.  Or how you will take the longest way around the department store to not have to pass the baby section.  Or how your heart will splinter a little with every pregnancy announcement and shatter wide open when that announcement comes from your best friend.  Or how, despite the jealousy towards women that don’t deserve to have babies yet do, you will speak out for children that don’t have a voice – even if it means going against your family.

They don’t tell you that you will feel embarrassed.  And ashamed.  And broken.  And lonely.  And like a disappointment.  Or how you will go through every step of the grieving process – every month.

It’s also shocking how – even month after disappointing month – your heart will still skip a beat at a late cycle.  It’s shocking how – even while fear chisels its way through your heart – hope battles it, if only for a moment.

Every month that we fall apart after a BFN – we wipe our tears, dust ourselves off and try again.  Terrified we won’t be successful, but confident we will be less successful if we don’t try.

Infertility has the potential to destroy so many things.  Self-esteem.  Self-image.  Friendships.  Marriages.

But it also has the potential to make those things stronger through the brokenness.

You can either be beaten.  Or beat it.

My husband and I have had some very real, very raw moments that I remember wondering if we’d even make it through.

He never thought we were fighting about infertility, but I knew that it was always the underlying cause.  The elephant in the room.  Just sitting there.  If it were a person, I’d imagine it wringing its hands with an evil smirk and cackling while saying “Peeerrrrfffeeecct.  They’re fighting.  I’ve got them right where I want them.”  Only we decided that wasn’t where we wanted to be.

There are SO many things that are out of our control in this process.

How we respond to it isn’t.

 “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” – Charles R. Swindoll

Some days, I feel like that ratio is pretty darn skewed!  As if dealing with all these emotions isn’t enough, we also get the pleasure of helping every.  single.  person.  that hears our story make their dream of being a Doctor come true!

Advice, comments, stories, anecdotes, cures, old wives’ tales, sexual positions, relaxation methods.  The list goes on and on.

lucky me

I know I sound like a broken record at this point, but it’s SO IMPORTANT for those that hear us tell our story to remember:

  • If you haven’t experienced it personally, you don’t understand
  • When we do open up about it, just listen
  • Don’t give advice unless you’re asked specifically for it
  • The chance of getting pregnant doesn’t go UP with more sex, it actually goes DOWN
  • Our ages DO have a lot to do with it (even though every person in Hollywood can get pregnant at 95)
  • PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE  don’t tell us to relax.

There will be days that we will be walking in the clouds and having a great time and then something triggers us.  Please give us grace as we go from Cloud Nine to Ground Zero.


 

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/Managing-Infertility-Stress/emotional-aspects.html

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Severe Thunderstorm Warning

storm

As I sit here, we’re minutes away from the time that the warning will expire for our sleepy little town, and it will be well past expired by the time I’m done.  Weather radios crackle to life with the warning that a severe storm is headed our way.  “For your protection move to an interior room on the lowest floor of a building” warns the weather app on my phone.  The news can tell you how fast the storm is moving, when it will hit, how long it will stay and how much damage it may inflict before it moves along.  I wish there was something like that for our lives.  A warning system that tells us that there are “severe storms” ahead – sharp curves, steep grades, strong winds, driving rain, hail.  But how many of us would choose different paths if we knew just what God had planned for us?  If we were able to know our afflictions before we faced them, how many of us would beg that it pass us over?  I know Jesus did.  But then He said “Not MY will, but YOURS be done.”

Motherhood Prayer

These last 8 days have been kinda brutal.  The hormone injections have affected me more than I thought they would.  One day, on the way to work I actually had to pull off the interstate just to vomit.  I know, gross – sorry.  But, we had our ultrasound and things are looking promising.  My body is kinda getting the hang of it, I guess, and produced more follicles in this cycle than it did in the other two combined!  As I think about what I’ve put my body through in the last 6 months, I wonder – if I had known how badly the hormones were going to affect me, would I have done it?  And the answer is always a resounding YES.  Through the nausea and hot flashes and headaches and muscle cramps and sheer exhaustion – I’d totally do it again.  To be certain, it’s a gamble.  And as one famliy member has recently made very clear, it’s an investment that – thus far – has had zero return.  I don’t fault that family member for pointing that out.  That point certainly wasn’t lost on me, however.

I know this is hard for everyone – but I’ve found myself retreating.  Retreating into a world that consists of my husband and I.  It’s peaceful here… and everybody knows my name.  The girl that used to be hard to shut up, now goes a couple days without saying much.  When you ask me how I am, I’ll say “fine” but I’ll be thinking many other words…  Broken.  Confused.  Anxious.  Bitter.  Angry.  Empty.  Defeated.  But not one of those words define me.  They are just emotions.  And if I’ve learned anything in this storm, it’s that – like the wind and rain – they change at any moment.

storm is over