That Magical Day

From the time some little girls realize that boys don’t actually have cooties, they start dreaming of their wedding day.

It’s a magical day where they get to be the princess and everyone waits hand and foot on them.  Beautiful dress.  Gorgeous shoes.  Amazing Flowers.  And of course, Prince Charming.

They get to pick their favorite colors and flowers and people to create a fantasy moment.  I know, for some, simple is perfect.  And for others, extravagant isn’t enough.

But for me – I was somewhere right in between.

I still remember as a young girl (in fact, I’m certain I have pictures SOMEWHERE but I’ll probably never see them again) being decked out in a wedding gown that was far too big for me and having a mock wedding, with a little boy whose mother was my mother’s best friend.  I’m certain I was just as bossy possessed just as many leadership skills then as I do now.

Somewhere along the way, that dream day became just that – a dream.  I started focusing more on a career and less on finding Mr. Right.  Boy, am I glad that God had other plans for me.

J&D kissing

Our wedding wasn’t quite as big as I thought it was going to be.  If I’m being honest, there’s a few things I’d change about it.  But there is ONE THING I am absolutely, positively sure of.  And that’s my husband.

It hasn’t always felt that way.  We have our moments where I’d really just rather he leave me alone – forever.  He knows EXACTLY what buttons to push and I’d love nothing less than to physically harm him in some way.  (Relax.  I never would.  I don’t think.)  And I’m sure he’s thought the EXACT same about me!

The one thing about my dream day that had always remained the same was that I knew how I wanted it to look.  I had ALWAYS wanted everything to be black and white – with only red roses.  And I wanted an evening wedding with twinkle lights and candles.  It really did turn out BEAUTIFUL!

Wedding Program Wedding Eiffel Tower Wedding Tables Wedding Cake Wedding Rings

 

 

 

 

 

We picked out ALL of our own music.  J even remixed a song for our walk down the aisle as a married couple.  It started as the Wedding March, and then faded into ….. Ready for this?  “Another One Bites The Dust”.  Yup.  We were that couple.  I loved hearing the shocked gasps turn into laughter as people realized that it wasn’t just the music messing up, but rather us expressing our personalities the best way we knew how.

One of my very good friends from high school was the photographer.  We have some AMAZING pictures from the wedding.

You May Kiss The Bride

I had so many people tell me “Make SURE you video record the ceremony!!  Everything will go so fast that you won’t remember it and you will want to see it someday!!”  So, I checked many different places out.  In the end, I was convinced to let some very long-time family friends record it for us.  We’ve known them forever, what could go wrong?

Imagine my disappointment as we fast-forward (see what I did there?) two and a half years later and not only am I still without a wedding video but FINALLY received a response to my multiple requests stating that they don’t even own the camera anymore and that the video was on the internal memory and never saved to a disc……….  That’s earth-shattering stuff to me.  I’ve been sick to my stomach all day.

You know how when someone loses one of their senses, all of their other senses are heightened?  I kind of feel like that’s what infertility has been for me.

It’s a loss.  A devastating, emotional, heartbreaking, everyday loss.  That reminds me that life is precious.

While longing for what I don’t have and mourning it, it reminds me to look at what I DO have and be grateful for it.

While our friends and families attended the wedding (of which I have no recording),  we are attending the marriage.

He still dances with me in the kitchen while I’m cooking dinner.

He still looks at me sometimes like I’m the prettiest girl he’s ever seen.

He still tells me he loves me at the most random moments of the day.

He still makes me laugh at some of the most inappropriate moments.

So while we may have empty arms, we have full hearts.  And it all started on that magical day.

J&D hugging

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Holi-daze – Resolve to Know More

Holidays are fun and joyous and exciting!

Loved ones gathered around – sharing stories and giving gifts and spending time together.

When one of those loved ones passes away, those holidays are now a sad reminder of all the good times.

Death is painful.  And while that loss is very hard, there’s a difference between the loss of a loved one and the loss of a dream.  When a loved one dies, there’s rituals – closure.  You go through the grieving process and, while you remember them on the anniversaries of those losses, the pain gradually recedes.

With infertility, there’s no closure.  Just when the wound of another negative pregnancy test has the time to heal, it’s reopened again the next month.  It’s like this constant revolving door of pain.

To couples struggling with infertility, holidays are yet another reminder of our unrealized dreams and memories yet to be made.

Children barely getting any sleep on Christmas Eve in hopes of catching Santa leaving presents under the tree.  Of seeing the Easter Bunny hiding eggs.  Of choosing a costume that transforms them into their favorite superhero or character.

When you get married and make the decision to have kids, you think about how you’ll decorate their room and what you’ll say when they have the cutest puppy EVER follow them home and how old they’ll be when you let them start shaving.

But you never think about how many cycles will pass that you get a negative pregnancy test or how good you’ll get at knowing down to the moment when you ovulate or that trying to make that baby just might not be fun anymore.

Maybe you’re the person that bought an ornament just for your child’s first Christmas.  Or you have a stocking that you have to keep in the boxes every year while you just hang two.  Or you have the CUTEST Easter outfit for church.  Or the perfect Father’s/Mother’s Day card stashed away in a secret spot.

But as the holidays come and go, you’re in a daze.  You go through the motions and smile on the outside.  But on the inside?  On the inside, your heart is just trying to beat past all of the broken pieces.

I’ve been asked why we even celebrate with just the two of us and was told that we should just enjoy not having to fill stockings and wrap presents and shouldn’t even decorate a tree.  Like there’s some unwritten rule that if you don’t have children, you’re not allowed to participate in the festivities.  THAT hurt.

holiday e-card

Mother’s and Father’s Day are especially hard.  It’s the time when everyone is celebrating motherhood and fatherhood.  While we celebrate our mothers and fathers, we are reminded that there is a void in our hearts that hasn’t been filled.

I can’t wait until the day that we will giggle like teenagers as we oh-so-stealthily put presents under the tree for our child.  I can’t wait for the day that we will dress our child up and take them door to door trick-or-treating.  I can’t wait for the day we find new creative places to hide the Easter eggs we’ve decorated.

And I especially can’t wait for every night that we will get to pray with our child and kiss them on the forehead as we tuck them in and wish them a peaceful slumber – and then stand in the doorway, arm in arm, and marvel at the miracle that we get to love for the rest of our lives.

Until that day – we will continue to smile.  And celebrate each other.  I may be in a holi-daze when those times come around, but I’m doing my best to make it through.  And sometimes, it’s okay to not be okay.

So, when those holidays come around and you know someone who is struggling with infertility – just remind them that you love them.  If you ask them how they’re feeling and they tell you that they don’t want to talk about it, don’t take it personally.  We always remember those who make a genuine effort!

For more tips on how to cope with the holidays, visit: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/Managing-Infertility-Stress/coping-with-holidays.html

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101