Being A Miracle

For those of you that are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram, you know that I made a post a bit ago that alluded to an emotional decision.  This is the blog that is going to explain that decision.

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy.  I remember as a little girl subjecting my dolls to diaper changes and baths and feedings.  I have worked with children in so many different capacities and it has always been the one thing that has made my heart feel full.

Infertility has attempted to take that from me.

It has attempted to take the excitement I would feel when I see a pregnant woman.

It has attempted to take the joy I would feel when I would go to see a friend of mine who had gone into labor or had a baby.

It has attempted to take the giddiness I would feel when thinking about a baby-making opportunity with my husband.

Infertility has attempted to replace those feelings with jealousy, anxiety, feelings of failure, sadness.

And most days, infertility has won those battles.  But infertility won’t win the war.

After 32 long months of prayer, heartaches and long conversations with J,  the fact remains that our calling in life is simple.

To be parents.

If there is one lesson I have learned REPEATEDLY, it is that biology is the VERY LEAST of what makes someone a parent.

After our 3rd failed IUI, as I was messaging J through the sobs and tears, he made a comment that I have never forgotten.  “I know how badly you want this, and I do, too.  But maybe there’s a child out there that needs US more than we need this.

And with that on our hearts, we have decided to stop pursuing the avenue of IVF and go full steam ahead down the path of adoption.

I can’t lie and say that there isn’t a small part of me that feels like I am “letting go” of the dream of seeing our biological child look at me through their daddy’s eyes.  It would have been a welcome miracle to get pregnant, but to have the opportunity to be a miracle to a child that otherwise may not have a chance?  Now THAT’S big!

We have changed our IVF fundraiser to an Adoption fundraiser and will hopefully soon be having a homestudy done in order to move one step closer to building our family!

Miraculously My Own

I have SO many emotions and nerves!  I constantly find myself wondering whether I will actually be a good mom…  But I guess it’s one of those things you can’t really study for.  You just jump in the deep end and learn to swim as you go!

I know that this process can take quite a long time, so J and I would GREATLY appreciate all of the prayer and good thoughts you can send our way!

If you’d like to check out our fundraiser (or donate!) you can find it at www.youcaring.com/munchkin-mcnabb

You can also “like” our Facebook page – Munchkin McNabb

Thank you SO much to all of you for your support and love through our journey!!  We are so amazingly grateful!!

Hope – Noun or Verb?

Some days are easier than others.  Some I can plaster a smile and crack jokes and laugh louder than anyone.  Other days it’s all I can do to not cry.  Some days, hope is one of those words that I hold tightly to…  and other days, it hides.

hiding_bear

In school, we learn that a noun is a word used to describe a person, place or thing, while a verb is an action word.  Hope, as a noun, means “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.”  As a verb, means ” intend, if possible, to do something.”

Infertility is a noun.  But my response?  A verb.  There’s no ‘if possible’ about it – I intend to be a mother.

Women who battle infertility have to do things that we never expected to have to do.  We take our temps first thing in the morning before we even get out of bed.  We chart our cervical mucus (*ewww*).  We have way too many different people explore our sacred places in hopes of answers.  We have an intimately familiar love/hate relationship with Mr. Dildocam (ultrasound wand).  We take pills that give us bad mood swings.  We inject ourselves with medications that give us WORSE mood swings.  We risk damaging, or worse yet losing, our reproductive organs in hopes of reproducing.  We shatter when our dreams slip through our fingers.  But – we get up, dust ourselves off and try again faster than most kids can get over dropping their ice cream off the cone on a hot day.  And if you asked any one of us if it was worth it… we’d all say yes before you finished the question.  Otherwise, we wouldn’t keep trying again and again.

fall down

It’s a pricey process – emotionally and financially.  Some women are extremely lucky, and others – not so much.  Unfortunately, we fall into the latter category.  The multi-billion dollar corporation that my husband and I work for has got just about the WORST insurance coverage when it comes to infertility.  Which leaves us in a spot that – quite frankly – makes me kinda uncomfortable.

A few months ago I wrote a blog about something that we are doing in order to make hope a verb for us.

I try so hard not to inundate people with the link.  I don’t want to be that annoying person that is asking people for money every day.  But really, that’s what we are doing.  And the response has truly warmed my heart.  These days, it’s not easy to part with a hard-earned dollar.  But every single time I log onto our YouCaring account and see that someone has donated – I am reduced to tears.  Every single contribution makes us feel like YOU believe in our miracle as much as WE do!  And that is an indescribable feeling!

Hope isn’t just something that we have in our hearts.  It’s something that we see every time someone sends an encouraging word.  Or reminds us that they are praying for us.  Or tells us how our strength is inspiring.  Or adds a dollar to our fund.

We TRULY, TRULY thank you from the bottom of our hearts!!!

thankyou_heart

Swallowing Our Pride

So – after our interview with the adoption agency the other day – and finding out how much money they want up front – I decided to call my RE’s office and inquire about IVF.  Much to my surprise, it was actually CHEAPER!!

In speaking with them, I found out that they offer a “money back guarantee” IVF program.  For $17,500 (minus the cost of meds) a couple gets 6 fresh IVF cycles and if at the end of the 6 cycles there is no “live birth”, then the couple gets 70% of their money back!  SIGN ME UP!!  So, as I looked into it, I realized that one of the qualifications – an AMH of >1.2 – might exclude me from that program.  My AMH levels are 0.6, so I am, in fact, disqualified.  BUT!!!  They also have what is called a “multi-cycle package”.  For $16,000 (plus the cost of meds) a couple gets 2 fresh IVF Cycles and 2 FET’s (frozen embryo transfers) – provided there embryos to transfer.

ivf baby

After discussing it with my husband in length (and often heated) we decided that if we didn’t at least attempt IVF that there would always be the “what if”.  While we understand that there are a lot of risks of failure with this procedure, we also know that there is the risk of a MIRACLE.  We are asking friends, family and whoever else would like to be a part of this, to please check out the fundraising page that we have started!  We know it’s a big number!  It’s all overwhelming, that’s for sure!  Please don’t feel obligated!  If you can’t give money, we will accept love, support and prayers!!

motherhood miracle