Possibilities and Prayers

The last blog I wrote was before we had our first meeting with an adoption agent…  And then I left you all hanging.  I’m SORRY!!

I was VERY emotional for about a week afterwards.  It’s a whole new set of emotions that accompany this journey…

There is SO much involved in the process of adoption.  Paperwork, background checks, home study.

But it will all be so worth it in the end.

born not of our flesh

Adoption is one of those things a lot of people talk about, but I don’t think everyone actually understands.

Some people adopt because they can never have children.  Some people adopt because they feel like God is putting it on their hearts to do so.

And then there’s the birth mother.

What a painful, heartbreaking, emotional decision.

Yet one that is so completely selfless that it just astounds me.

It takes a strong woman to realize that they may not be capable of giving their child the life that they deserve and then trusting – often total strangers – to raise that child.

For us to be chosen by one of those women would be simply amazing.

Our faith is completely in God through all of this.

He knows the ending.  And He knows everything in between.

Awhile ago I wrote about how God Never Wastes a Hurt and it still holds so true.

There are some VERY exciting possibilities happening in the next few months and we are fully aware that this process can be frustrating and often heartbreaking.  But just like every thing else that we’ve done on this journey, we are trusting it to God.

We are praying for our child, wherever they are and whatever stage in life they may be.  We are praying for their biological parents that will entrust them to our care – for comfort and peace.  We will be forever thankful to them whenever they choose us.

thank-you

And we will take any and all prayers and good thoughts that you want to send our way!!

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Being A Miracle

For those of you that are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram, you know that I made a post a bit ago that alluded to an emotional decision.  This is the blog that is going to explain that decision.

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy.  I remember as a little girl subjecting my dolls to diaper changes and baths and feedings.  I have worked with children in so many different capacities and it has always been the one thing that has made my heart feel full.

Infertility has attempted to take that from me.

It has attempted to take the excitement I would feel when I see a pregnant woman.

It has attempted to take the joy I would feel when I would go to see a friend of mine who had gone into labor or had a baby.

It has attempted to take the giddiness I would feel when thinking about a baby-making opportunity with my husband.

Infertility has attempted to replace those feelings with jealousy, anxiety, feelings of failure, sadness.

And most days, infertility has won those battles.  But infertility won’t win the war.

After 32 long months of prayer, heartaches and long conversations with J,  the fact remains that our calling in life is simple.

To be parents.

If there is one lesson I have learned REPEATEDLY, it is that biology is the VERY LEAST of what makes someone a parent.

After our 3rd failed IUI, as I was messaging J through the sobs and tears, he made a comment that I have never forgotten.  “I know how badly you want this, and I do, too.  But maybe there’s a child out there that needs US more than we need this.

And with that on our hearts, we have decided to stop pursuing the avenue of IVF and go full steam ahead down the path of adoption.

I can’t lie and say that there isn’t a small part of me that feels like I am “letting go” of the dream of seeing our biological child look at me through their daddy’s eyes.  It would have been a welcome miracle to get pregnant, but to have the opportunity to be a miracle to a child that otherwise may not have a chance?  Now THAT’S big!

We have changed our IVF fundraiser to an Adoption fundraiser and will hopefully soon be having a homestudy done in order to move one step closer to building our family!

Miraculously My Own

I have SO many emotions and nerves!  I constantly find myself wondering whether I will actually be a good mom…  But I guess it’s one of those things you can’t really study for.  You just jump in the deep end and learn to swim as you go!

I know that this process can take quite a long time, so J and I would GREATLY appreciate all of the prayer and good thoughts you can send our way!

If you’d like to check out our fundraiser (or donate!) you can find it at www.youcaring.com/munchkin-mcnabb

You can also “like” our Facebook page – Munchkin McNabb

Thank you SO much to all of you for your support and love through our journey!!  We are so amazingly grateful!!

Severe Thunderstorm Warning

storm

As I sit here, we’re minutes away from the time that the warning will expire for our sleepy little town, and it will be well past expired by the time I’m done.  Weather radios crackle to life with the warning that a severe storm is headed our way.  “For your protection move to an interior room on the lowest floor of a building” warns the weather app on my phone.  The news can tell you how fast the storm is moving, when it will hit, how long it will stay and how much damage it may inflict before it moves along.  I wish there was something like that for our lives.  A warning system that tells us that there are “severe storms” ahead – sharp curves, steep grades, strong winds, driving rain, hail.  But how many of us would choose different paths if we knew just what God had planned for us?  If we were able to know our afflictions before we faced them, how many of us would beg that it pass us over?  I know Jesus did.  But then He said “Not MY will, but YOURS be done.”

Motherhood Prayer

These last 8 days have been kinda brutal.  The hormone injections have affected me more than I thought they would.  One day, on the way to work I actually had to pull off the interstate just to vomit.  I know, gross – sorry.  But, we had our ultrasound and things are looking promising.  My body is kinda getting the hang of it, I guess, and produced more follicles in this cycle than it did in the other two combined!  As I think about what I’ve put my body through in the last 6 months, I wonder – if I had known how badly the hormones were going to affect me, would I have done it?  And the answer is always a resounding YES.  Through the nausea and hot flashes and headaches and muscle cramps and sheer exhaustion – I’d totally do it again.  To be certain, it’s a gamble.  And as one famliy member has recently made very clear, it’s an investment that – thus far – has had zero return.  I don’t fault that family member for pointing that out.  That point certainly wasn’t lost on me, however.

I know this is hard for everyone – but I’ve found myself retreating.  Retreating into a world that consists of my husband and I.  It’s peaceful here… and everybody knows my name.  The girl that used to be hard to shut up, now goes a couple days without saying much.  When you ask me how I am, I’ll say “fine” but I’ll be thinking many other words…  Broken.  Confused.  Anxious.  Bitter.  Angry.  Empty.  Defeated.  But not one of those words define me.  They are just emotions.  And if I’ve learned anything in this storm, it’s that – like the wind and rain – they change at any moment.

storm is over