Have you seen it? The new trending post on Facebook? Basically, it’s the “random facts” – except it’s completely about pregnancy. I don’t begrudge women being pregnant. Well, maybe a little. Ok, a lot. Those posts kinda feel like a big fat squeeze of lemon into a gaping, oozing wound. Yeah. Ouch. Most days I do really good. But some days, the bitterness consumes me. I can fight and fight that little green monster but there are days that I’m exhausted just from smiling!
This past week, I finally saw an endocrinologist. I’ve been suspicious of some issues for quite a while, but I guess I’ve been partly afraid to actually address them. Mainly because, if they come back positive, it is going to mean a RADICAL change in lifestyle for me. The Dr that I saw said that he was “AMAZED at the array of autoimmune diseases” in my family. We REALLY are a smorgasbord of them, I’d not really thought of it before! One of the autoimmune diseases that seems to run rampant in my family is Celiac. Tonight, I found and read through a list of 300 symptoms that absolutely SHOCKED ME!! I literally caught myself gasping a few times!! Anxiety, asthma, chronic fatigue, depression, insomnia, heartburn, irritability, sperm abnormalities, miscarriage, infertility. Seriously mind-boggling stuff!! I’m incredibly anxious for the results to come back. But regardless, there are going to be some major changes to meals in the McNabb household!!
ANYWAY! I decided – since so many people are sharing their random facts about their being pregnant, that I would share some random facts about my NOT being pregnant! The decision that I made to share what we are going through was not an easy one. I had MANY, MANY nights of sleeplessness before I actually made the decision to just put it all out there. I still have sleepless nights, but mostly just because of hormones now!! Sharing isn’t for everyone. This journey is still very private and even embarrassing and this is just a glimpse into some of the emotions and struggles that we deal with every single day. I had to make sure that my husband was okay with my sharing as much as I have also, because he is RIGHT NEXT to me through this whole thing. I haven’t forgotten for one single second that this affects him just as much as me!
So, I am giving myself the number 5! Ladies on this journey, PLEASE, put your random facts in the comments!! I LOVE learning about people!
- My “aunt” first came to town when I was 10 years old! And she was BRUTAL when she did! I even remember one doctor telling me that I “may have trouble” getting pregnant when I was older. BOY, was he right!!
- Our infertility issues were originally thought to be contributed to my PCOS, but have more recently been termed “unexplained” by my RE.
- It drives me absolutely INSANE when women complain about being pregnant!! I wish I could make them see what a GIFT it is!! I wouldn’t complain to someone with no legs about how I hate standing up for long periods of time!
- We have had one miscarriage and three failed IUI attempts.
- I hate it when people tell me to ‘just’ relax or that we can ‘just’ adopt. There is no ‘just’ doing anything. Relaxing will not make more eggs grow inside of me. Adopting will not cure my infertility, just a symptom of it. Everything that is done on this journey is calculated and pondered and prayed about for a long time. So when/if we get to the point of adopting, we won’t be “just” doing anything.
I realize that I probably make a LOT of people uncomfortable with how open I am about the journey that we are on – but I don’t share for “them”. I share for me…