As I sit here, my lovely Aunt has decided to delay her arrival by a few days. For the last 25 years of my life – well let’s call it 20, since it took some time to get it regulated after I started my cycles at the tender age of 10 – my cycle has been the ONE THING that I could count on. The ONE THING that was constant. And then January happened. I’ve never looked forward to my period… until after I bled for 11 days last month and was kind of anticipating when I would start again. Not because I WANTED to. But because I REALLLY hoped that after all this time that the ONE thing I’ve been able to count on being constant – isn’t changing.
Of course, it could be a GOOD thing. I’ve even had some ‘symptoms’ over the last week or so.
Crampy feelings? Check.
CRAZY tired? Check.
Cold symptoms? Check.
BUT, I’ve tested negative on every home test I’ve taken. All one of them. Don’t judge. I can’t take that much bad news.
The irony is NOT lost on me that I just had my 35th birthday in January and now all of THIS crap. I already know all of the statistics that say that my chances of getting pregnant naturally after 30 years old go WAY down – I didn’t need a reminder! I’d already been dreading 35, as if it were some magic number.
After all of the issues with the bleeding from last month, in a visit with my OB I asked if there was anything that could be tested to tell if my body would even ACCEPT a pregnancy. There is a panel of tests that they can do that will support that… but it is VERY costly and normally only done after a woman has 2-3 miscarriages. Due to that fact that I’ve already had one, we’ve had 3 failed treatments and my age (ugh), my OB decided that they would go ahead and order that test. It totally WIPED me out!! The first time I went in, they stuck me 4 times and could only get one vial. The next day I went in and they got all they needed without a hitch, but it kinda sent me into a tailspin. I’ve recovered from that but got to do the fun runaround on the phone today trying to get the results to my dr’s office so that I can find out just what the answer is!! I told my sister and best friend earlier that I may just not be bleeding this month because I lost so much last month, my body may not have any to spare!!
Anyway! Did you know that a woman is born with ALLLL the eggs she’ll ever have? A baby girl is born with over a million eggs!! (I can’t help but picture Dr Evil, pinky to mouth, “one milllllllion eggs”) By puberty, only 300,000 of them are left and only about 300 of THOSE will actually mature and release through ovulation. According to an article I read on babble.com, “many studies show that a healthy 30-year-old woman trying for a baby has about a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant each month. At 40, that number shrinks to 5 percent. Add to it that the rate of miscarriage is higher in our 30s, as is the chance of having a baby with a genetic abnormality.”
So much information. Some days it’s really hard to not get discouraged. There has been a lack of blogs from me lately, mainly because I try not to write when I’m down.
I always have people telling me “Don’t lose faith” “Keep your hopes up” “If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen” and other such anecdotes. I want this to be crystal clear…
I haven’t lost faith. If anything, my faith has grown. I have faith that God knows just what is going to happen. I hope every month that it will be THE month. But, unfortunately, that doesn’t make having to wait any better. It doesn’t make negative tests any less painful to see. It doesn’t make answers – or no answers – any easier to hear.
Many people have issues with women relying on science to get pregnant. They feel that it goes against God’s will. (Yes, I’ve actually had someone say that.) My response is simply this… Do you feel that way about medicine? What if someone you knew had cancer? Do you feel like it’d be going against God’s will for them to participate in chemo or radiation? I know that cancer and infertility seem to be on the opposite end of the spectrum as far as diseases go. And I agree that the outcome can be much worse if cancer isn’t treated, but studies show that “women with fertility problems are as stressed, anxious, and depressed as women with cancer, heart disease, or HIV. Blood tests, pills, injections, ultrasounds, and procedures cause stress and emotional upheaval in women. Also, society fails to recognize the grief caused by infertility, so people denied parenthood tend to hide their sorrow, which only increases their feelings of shame and isolation.” My point is – why is it ok to believe that God would give men and women the knowledge to create treatments that can cure diseases, but not include infertility treatments in that knowledge? I’ve NEVER been more grateful for science IN MY LIFE!