That Day

Well, we made it through Mother’s Day. Mostly unscathed, I’d say.

This year was especially difficult because my mother and I are on the outs… It’s mostly because of a blog I wrote a few months ago. I knew I ran the risk of it not being perceived well by all, and it wasn’t. I was informed that I did it because I was bitter and jealous and told that I needed to move on with our lives. But I still vehemently maintain that I did the right thing and I have absolutely zero regret.

The week leading up to Mother’s Day was eventful and stressful! We had some “snags” at the bank & our house purchase was put on hold. (Thankfully, that’s cleared up! We move in the end of the month!).

I ALSO wrote the blog for Attain Fertility that was posted on Mother’s Day. I was actually pretty shocked at how well it was received!!! If you’d like to read it, please check it out here: “Un-Mother’s Day”.

Saturday was a rough day. Tears at the drop of a hat. Emotional outbursts. And that was just my husband. (Ok, I’m lying, it was me.)

I had FULL intentions of going to church on Sunday morning in support of my mother in law – who is an absolute Godsend and I don’t know what I’d do without her – and I’d even picked out what I was going to wear. But I think my husband decided on about my 10th breakdown as I asked through tears & sobs “How am I going to make it through tomorrow?!” that we wouldn’t be attending church, only the cookout afterwards with his family.

I’d woken up fairly early that morning and tossed and turned. I felt SO badly for not going to church, and then I noticed a text from my MIL. It simply said that she knew how painful the day was and completely understood if we didn’t make it to the service. She said she hoped to see us for the cookout. See? GODSEND.

So anyway, I’ve kinda been an emotional wreck the last week or so! I haven’t wanted to check my blogs or comment or anything. And Facebook? Ugh. I tried to steer clear of my newsfeed most of the day! I did get a few lovely Mother’s Day texts that touched my heart!

I hope that all of you had a fairly peaceful day, in spite of all the emotions!! I said a LOT of prayers that day for all of the people that were struggling that day.

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Holi-daze – Resolve to Know More

Holidays are fun and joyous and exciting!

Loved ones gathered around – sharing stories and giving gifts and spending time together.

When one of those loved ones passes away, those holidays are now a sad reminder of all the good times.

Death is painful.  And while that loss is very hard, there’s a difference between the loss of a loved one and the loss of a dream.  When a loved one dies, there’s rituals – closure.  You go through the grieving process and, while you remember them on the anniversaries of those losses, the pain gradually recedes.

With infertility, there’s no closure.  Just when the wound of another negative pregnancy test has the time to heal, it’s reopened again the next month.  It’s like this constant revolving door of pain.

To couples struggling with infertility, holidays are yet another reminder of our unrealized dreams and memories yet to be made.

Children barely getting any sleep on Christmas Eve in hopes of catching Santa leaving presents under the tree.  Of seeing the Easter Bunny hiding eggs.  Of choosing a costume that transforms them into their favorite superhero or character.

When you get married and make the decision to have kids, you think about how you’ll decorate their room and what you’ll say when they have the cutest puppy EVER follow them home and how old they’ll be when you let them start shaving.

But you never think about how many cycles will pass that you get a negative pregnancy test or how good you’ll get at knowing down to the moment when you ovulate or that trying to make that baby just might not be fun anymore.

Maybe you’re the person that bought an ornament just for your child’s first Christmas.  Or you have a stocking that you have to keep in the boxes every year while you just hang two.  Or you have the CUTEST Easter outfit for church.  Or the perfect Father’s/Mother’s Day card stashed away in a secret spot.

But as the holidays come and go, you’re in a daze.  You go through the motions and smile on the outside.  But on the inside?  On the inside, your heart is just trying to beat past all of the broken pieces.

I’ve been asked why we even celebrate with just the two of us and was told that we should just enjoy not having to fill stockings and wrap presents and shouldn’t even decorate a tree.  Like there’s some unwritten rule that if you don’t have children, you’re not allowed to participate in the festivities.  THAT hurt.

holiday e-card

Mother’s and Father’s Day are especially hard.  It’s the time when everyone is celebrating motherhood and fatherhood.  While we celebrate our mothers and fathers, we are reminded that there is a void in our hearts that hasn’t been filled.

I can’t wait until the day that we will giggle like teenagers as we oh-so-stealthily put presents under the tree for our child.  I can’t wait for the day that we will dress our child up and take them door to door trick-or-treating.  I can’t wait for the day we find new creative places to hide the Easter eggs we’ve decorated.

And I especially can’t wait for every night that we will get to pray with our child and kiss them on the forehead as we tuck them in and wish them a peaceful slumber – and then stand in the doorway, arm in arm, and marvel at the miracle that we get to love for the rest of our lives.

Until that day – we will continue to smile.  And celebrate each other.  I may be in a holi-daze when those times come around, but I’m doing my best to make it through.  And sometimes, it’s okay to not be okay.

So, when those holidays come around and you know someone who is struggling with infertility – just remind them that you love them.  If you ask them how they’re feeling and they tell you that they don’t want to talk about it, don’t take it personally.  We always remember those who make a genuine effort!

For more tips on how to cope with the holidays, visit: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/Managing-Infertility-Stress/coping-with-holidays.html

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101