One Down, One To Go

Well, I made it through Thanksgiving!  The biggest accomplishment of it all?  I didn’t even CRY!!!  I had to pull myself together quite a few times, but not ONCE did those little moist menaces blaze a trail down my cheeks!  While a large part of the suckiness is that we are facing another holiday without a baby, the other part is that – I MISS MY FAMILY!  Yes, it was my choice to move to Kentucky.  Yes, it’s my choice to STAY in Kentucky.  But that does NOT make it stink any less!  ESPECIALLY when I go online to look at the price of plane tickets!

Stack Of Cash

I’ve been watching people do the “Thankful” posts on Facebook…  You know, the ones where they take a break from complaining about EVERY. SINGLE. THING in their lives for 30 days to express the things they should be thankful for every day?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT saying that they’re NOT thankful for those things all year-long, it would just be nice to see Facebook flooded with posts of thanks and love all year, rather than just one month.  I started doing them at the beginning of the month.  First – I’m not very good with keeping up with things like that.  Second – while I can be as gushy and sentimental as I feel here, I almost feel … uncomfortable … doing it on Facebook.  (Weird, I know.)  Third – I’ve NEVER been one to follow trends.  Fourth – after watching both my mother and my mother in law battle cancer the last two years, I’m thankful every day.

This is the 3rd year I’ve spent Thanksgiving with my husband and his family.  Part of his family was missing also, as his sister and her husband and children are in Florida and couldn’t be with us.  Every year, they go around the table and everyone says what they are thankful for.  I was thankful that every time one of them said they were thankful for family, I felt like I was included in that.  I KNOW that they all consider me family.  I consider them family as well.  It still just touches me in a place I can’t quite describe to be reminded that they do.  Although, as much as I loved being around the table with them, my heart was hurting to be home in California with the other half of my family.  My side of the family hasn’t had a Thanksgiving together in probably 8 or 9 years, partly because I moved away, but also for reasons that are another blog entirely.  I still remember little traditions that we had and I seem to miss them more when the times come around that those traditions were carried out.  As I read through a blog earlier by A Hundred Affections, I was reminded just how much traditions shape us as we grow.  Those memories NEVER fade.  Though, it seems, the ones that dull suddenly come rushing back when presented with a mere vision of how life WAS.  I will forever be thankful for those memories.

As we all migrated to the living room to stretch out and relax after stuffing ourselves, conversation flowed freely.  The kids were running in and out and up and down and all over, like they always do!  At one point, my nephew came in to tattle on his sister.  I have never been a fan of tattling.  When I owned my child care, they KNEW that I simply wouldn’t tolerate it.  I feel like children need to figure out how to resolve conflicts as early as they can without having to resort to some kind of interference on an authority figure’s behalf – as, if they don’t, it will only transform them into those people who run to management or whoever when they have issues later on in life.  Anyway!  As JW insisted that he “wasn’t tattling, she just won’t do what I want,” I imparted some of my “wisdom” on him about what tattling really was.  No matter how long I am on this journey, I am NEVER prepared for the question that came from the friend of the family – “Dacina, why aren’t YOU a mom yet? You seem to have ALL the right answers for these kids!”  “Uh.  Um.  Well.  Uh.  Yeah.  We’re trying.”  (not so wordy now, huh?!)

The temperatures out here have been on a steady decline the last month or so.  It even SNOWED the other night!  There is just something about snow that is so peaceful and magical to me.  Having lived in a town for a large part of my life that would bring snow storms to dump amounts as tall as I was, watching the snowflakes fall automatically takes me to this peacefully reminiscent place in my mind.  I know people think I’m crazy when I say this, but I LOVE the sound of the falling snow.  “Snow doesn’t make a sound”, you say.  I say, listen next time!  That quiet whisper you hear in the air when it’s snowing are those magical flakes touching everything and blanketing the world around you in newness.  I can’t think of anything else that can completely transform everything in my view as efficiently and beautifully as snow.

This picture taken by Me

This picture taken by Me

I’m REALLY hoping for a White Christmas this year.  More than that, I’m hoping that I can make it through Christmas as tear-free as I made it through Thanksgiving!  I’m prepared for it to NOT be as easy, however.  Even just thinking about it I can feel those bullies tugging at my ducts!  But, I’m going to put on my big girl panties, wrap the presents, decorate, play Christmas music, buy presents and generally put on the performance of a LIFETIME.  If I leave the room for a minute unannounced, just know this – I may not be ok at that moment, but I will be.

im okay

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I’m still here

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written.  If I’m being honest, it’s kinda been nice.  It’s nice to step back for a while and just be me.  To not worry about exactly when I’m ovulating or if this is going to be “our month” or if “that symptom” means something.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s always in the back of my mind… but it’s been nice to not have it be the ONLY thing on my mind.  I guess there has been a part of me that has thought “Maybe, even as much as I HATE hearing ‘just relax’, is exactly what I need to do.”  And then one cycles passes.  Then two.  And I remember – it’s a medical condition, not a mental condition.

November 4th was my husband’s and my 2 year wedding anniversary.  We made it 2 whole years without killing each other!!  We had talked about taking a small vacation – Lord knows we needed it, especially after the last few super emotional months – and after talking with his parents about it, his mom actually decided to purchase plane tickets and even go with us!  I know, most people would think that In-Laws on an anniversary vacation would be a major buzz-kill, but that wasn’t the case at all!  I’ve been very blessed with the in-laws that I have!!  We went to Ormond Beach, Florida and it was AMAZING!  I knew that we needed a vacation, but I didn’t realize just how much until we actually got there.  Surprisingly, I didn’t think about work at all!! Tough to imagine, I know.

waterfront

While we were there, we spent 2 nights at the Royal Floridian Resort RIGHT on the water.  The weather wasn’t perfect while we were there but it by NO means ruined our time.  There was quite a bit of rain, but we got to enjoy the sunshine as well and one day, as we sat on our balcony, I noticed that a break in the clouds had the sun casting a ray in a direct line onto the water.  My mind started to wonder about what was going on beneath the surface of the water in that spot.  Were the animals that lived there basking in the gift of warmth that the sun was offering, or were they content in the icy waters?  I often find myself wondering what is happening beyond what my eyes can see when I stand in front of the majestic sea.  Life scurrying about.  Animals seeking shelter and food.  One of the days that we were in St Augustine, I was able to sit and watch about 10-12 dolphins jump and play and toss fish back and forth – and I can’t remember a time I felt more at peace, even with all the emotions I was feeling at that moment.  I’ve always possessed a great passion for the ocean.  There is just something about it that is so peaceful and calming.  Strong, unrelenting, ever-changing – yet remaining the same.  I could sit and listen to and watch the waves roll in for hours and never get bored.

ray of light

The last couple months – like the many before – have been filled with pregnancy announcements, news of loss and all the other happenings that comprise our daily lives.  I can’t quite use the word “normal”, as our normal is so different from most.  I’ve had some time to search my heart some in the last couple months.  My heart still hurts when I hear of a woman who is pregnant or see a woman with that telling bump, but accompanying that ugly green monster lately has been a new perspective – Did she struggle with infertility? Did she get pregnant naturally or have to deal with medical procedures also?  For most women I see, I may never know the answer, but it’s made me feel as though I’m actually making progress in the war against bitterness.

think positive

The emotions that I felt after learning that my best friend was pregnant still shock me beyond belief when I think about them.  A friend of mine called it an “a$$-kicking surprise” and I can’t think of a better way to categorize all the emotions!  But lately, a new feeling about it has been creeping in…  a feeling I expected to feel right away.  I’m excited!  I’m going to be an aunt again!  I’m going to have a precious baby to spoil, and then send home!  I’m going to be able to kiss and hug and love and overall smother this child!  But as strong as those feelings of excitement are, they still wage war with the emotions I’m trying my best to tamper.  I haven’t told her about the excitement yet, and I hope that she will forgive me for having to read it here instead of hearing it from my mouth – although I did warn her (again) that I was blogging in part about her.  I guess it’s easier for me to keep my emotions in check when they’re shared in a broader range – plus I’m sure she’s TIRED of hearing me trip over my words in an explanation of what I’m feeling and how it isn’t her fault!!

We started a YouCaring account a bit ago in hopes of lightening the burden of IVF, and have had some wonderful people donate.  We are saving and adding to it as we can.  My husband has an amazing talent for woodworking and will be selling the projects he’s done, and is going to do, in order to donate to our fund.  I also have discovered a passion for photography that I am going to be using to donate to our fund also.  God is so awesome that He already had something lined up for me before I even knew it!  We also started a Facebook page that tells a little about us and references to this blog and our donation account.  If you are interested in checking any of them out, the links will be at the bottom of this blog!

piggy bank

Speaking of this blog – what an amazing outlet this has been for me.  I love that I can write what’s on my heart for all to see.  People always say that think I’m “amazing” and “so strong” for dealing with this… and I know I am.  I may not feel amazing and strong as much as I do broken and discouraged, but what I want people to take from this more than anything is HOPE.  We know that God has a plan for us.  He reminds us every day.  His plans are better than our dreams, and that is what keeps us going.  Thank you for being a part of this journey.  And this blog.  And my life.

hope

www.facebook.com/munchkinmcnabb

www.youcaring.com/munchkin-mcnabb