Dear Munchkin

Wow!  You would be 1 year old next month!!

 

There’s so many first’s that we’ve missed – First smile.  First tooth.  First word.  First roll over.  First time sitting up.  First Christmas.

I still wonder about you every day.  Were you a girl?  A boy?  (There’s a couple of us – including me – that just have a gut feeling that you were a boy!)  Would you have had a lot of hair?  Would you have your daddy’s calm personality or mommy’s rambunctious temperament?  What color would your eyes have been?  Would you have had my nose?  Daddy’s ears?  Would you have been tall?  What would you have wanted to be when you grew up?

I may not have held you long enough when I lost you to really know much about you, but I do know this:  Your daddy and I love you very much.

I wish that we could have met you.  That we could have held you in our arms just once.  But I know that if I’d held you only once, it would have never been long enough.  We will hold you forever in our hearts though!

I have a friend that is going through just what I went through when we lost you.  It brings back so many emotions and memories.  Even ones that I’d pushed way down.  It’s so hard to listen and not want to – or be able to – fix it.  It makes my heart ache.  Mostly because I know that her and her husband will ask all the same questions we ask.  Will you find their child and hug him or her for them?  And squeeze extra tight so that they are also hugging you for us.

I want her to know that – while the hurt never goes away, it does subside.  That while it still aches when I think of you, I can talk about you more without that throat-closing, eye-burning feeling being as bad.  That while my arms ache to hold you, my heart fills with hope for the future instead of sadness for the past.

 

It still seems so surreal sometimes…  that I am a mom.

Don’t worry – your dad and I are working very hard to have a brother or sister for you!  While it’s tougher than we thought it would be, we are learning so much!  We are learning how to be strong.  We are learning how to trust.  We are learning how to lean on each other.  We are learning that while we dream about the life we want, that God is preparing us for something bigger than our biggest dreams!

Thank you for giving us hope.  Thank you for letting us love you.  Thank you for being our angel.

All Our Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Tomorrow

For most people, tomorrow is just another day.  For some, it’s the day they look forward to all week so they can sleep in.  For others, it’s just another day they have to go to work.  For ME, though, it’s the day the world was graced with my presence!!  It’s the 6th anniversary of my 29th birthday!  (Ok you math whizzes, go to work!)

I’ve always LOVED my birthday!!  If I’m being honest, I didn’t really celebrate a day, I took the whole month!  I’ve never been a fan of surprises, so I always made sure that I was planning, or setting the wheels in motion for planning, what would happen for my birthday.  I was always SUPER excited!!  I made sure that EVERYONE I knew, and even some that I didn’t, knew that it was my birthday.  I’m a blusher.  I’ve never been able to control it.  So by default, I don’t really like being the center of attention because it draws everyone’s attention to my blazing red face.  I know, you’re saying to yourself “Someone that writes a blog for anyone and everyone to see doesn’t like being the center of attention? I call B.S.”  But I can hide behind my laptop!  Yet inside, sometimes I secretly enjoyed all the attention.

This year, for some reason, it’s different.  I made a joking post on Facebook about a week ago, but I haven’t mentioned it to anyone else.  My mother-in-law texted me early this week and offered a suggestion on what we should do to celebrate.  We were going to go to the mall, buy something nice to wear, “get all fancy – hair & makeup” and go to dinner somewhere really nice – just the adults.  Even THAT took some convincing!  But, it IS my birthday after all!  Then today, the day that we were supposed to meet after work, we had the biggest snowstorm we’ve seen yet this winter.  But, listen here Mother Nature.  You will NOT ruin our dinner tomorrow night.  No one messes with my Melting Pot reservations!  Plus, I get some free chocolate covered strawberries!

As of tomorrow, anytime I need to fill out forms, I will no longer be in the 18-34 category.  That makes me feel OLD!  As if my gray hair and aching bones & joints weren’t getting the job done with that reminder just fine.  Not to mention all of the stuff that has to do with infertility that changes at this age!!

They say “with age comes wisdom” and I’m learning that to be oh-so-true.  In the last week or so, I’ve learned some things about ME.  Things that made me happy.  Things that made me sad.  Things that made me realize that the right choice isn’t always the easy choice.  Things I need to change and things that I will NEVER change.  It’s been a rough week.   But I don’t regret ANY of it!!

So far, January has proven to be the B-I-*-%-@  it’s been for the last couple years.  But it’s also proving to be a great starting point for what will be some love-filled, understanding, get-to-know-you-better-everyday years.  And I, for one, am excited for THAT!