What am I gonna do?

Faith is such a tricky word.  Merriam-Webster dictionary defines faith as a “firm belief in something for which there is no proof.”  A Bible verse that I remember learning as a child was Hebrews 11:1 – “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things not seen.”  That verse has been niggling at the back of my brain for awhile now.  When I looked it up on my handy-dandy Bible app on my phone, I read it in the New International Version and this is what it reads – “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”  Wow.

When I hear stories about people who’ve had these big “ah-ha” moments about their faith, I find myself wondering if I’m doing something wrong.  Should I have had my “ah-ha” moment by now?  Will I ever?  Things have happened in my life that have made me SO angry with God.  I’ve questioned Him, yelled at Him, blamed it on Him, asked Him why.  I’ve never had a neon sign light up in front of my face that says “Here I am. I’m real. I not only know what you’re going through, but I planned it this way. I’m sorry it hurts, but TRUST ME.”  But there HAVE been days what I’ll get a random text from a friend asking how I am.  Or a phone call from someone I haven’t heard from in awhile just to check in.  Or a breeze on a hot day when I feel like there’s no relief in sight.  I know what that is.  Max Lucado says ” Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want.  It is the belief that God will do what is right.”  Man, that’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes!

Last month, we began the actual IUI process.  Simply put, it’s a 2 week process that involves stimulation hormones, ultrasounds, an at-home injection & the actual insemination.  The hormones weren’t as much of a nightmare as I’d heard (thank God for that!), but I did have some headaches, dizziness and hot flashes.  When we went up for the ultrasound that would tell us how my body was responding to the stimulation hormones, it revealed that I had 3 follicles that were mature & ready for the trigger injection that would make me ovulate. Our Dr also gently told us that some results of my blood tests he’d ordered weren’t good.  My AMH levels were pretty low.  (Remember, you can click on those little blue words and there’s secrets behind them!)  He said that he’d been expecting many more follicles, but that was likely contributed to my AMH levels.  Our chances of getting pregnant naturally were pretty much gone.  And if this IUI didn’t work, he would have to get much more aggresive with the treatments.  The next round of IUI would consist of at-home injections instead of oral hormones.  Then if that didn’t work, we would have to consider IVF.

We travelled to Cincinnati the night before our IUI, since we had to be there early the next morning and neither of us really wanted to drive.  In addition to that, there was a NASCAR race that weekend and our trip there took us right past the speedway – and we didn’t want to take ANY chances missing our appointment!   We made it to the lab that morning at 9am & they collected the sample from my husband.  My appointment wasn’t until 10:30am, to give the lab the time to “wash” the sample – separate the bad from the good & concentrate it.  After a wait in the lobby, we were led to the room where all the equipment for the insemination was laying out.  We knew that our Dr wasn’t working that weekend so we weren’t surprised when one of the partners from the institute came in the room.  What we were surprised by was what he said next.  “Mr & Mrs McNabb, unfortunately, we are not going to be able to perform the procedure today.”  I remember hearing the rest of his words, I just don’t recall how.  He told us that he would let our Dr know and that he was sorry.

As we left the office and I crumbled against the wall in tears, Jon put his arm around me and led me out of the building.  I don’t really remember much of the walk to the car, or the ride home.  I do remember trying to call my mother in law and having to hand the phone to him so he could explain because I couldn’t talk.  I didn’t really talk to anyone for close to 2 days after we received that news.  I knew that all hope wasn’t gone, but it sure felt like it in that moment.  Our Doctor called us – personally – on Monday night.  After answering he asked, “How are you?” and then he did something I’ve never really experienced with a Doctor…  Aside from the fact that he sounded like he really MEANT it, he waited to hear my answer.  “Upset. Annoyed. Confused. Devastated.”  He went on to say that he was confused also, but that we would get to the bottom of this and he would ensure it.  He then ordered some other analyses and testing to be done.  I feel so blessed that we have the Dr that we do taking care of us.

I’ve always loved music.  It picks me up, soothes my soul, gives me energy.  Kerrie Roberts has a song called “No Matter What” that has spoken to me many times.  It says “Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through your hands… I know you can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you. No matter what.”  When I heard this song the other morning on my way to work, I remember thinking “What am I going to do? ”  Not in the “woe is me” kind of way but in the “Am I going to trust Him – no matter what?” kind of way?  You bet I am!