God Never Wastes A Hurt

This weekend I had the absolute pleasure of attending the Women of Faith conference.  I’d attended before quite a few years back with the young ladies of a church I was a youth leader at.  It’s so amazing to sit and listen to all the different stories and the way that God moves in all these lives.  The conference was held at a church that my husband and I used to attend called Southeast Christian Church.  For those of you not in this area, it is HUGE.  Most people in Kentuckiana call it “Six Flags Over Jesus”.  HUGE.  When we walked in, as I looked around, I immediately was overwhelmed and overcome with emotion.  There were SO MANY women there!!  We heard from Sheila Walsh, Lisa Harper, Missy Robertson (of Duck Dynasty fame), Liz Curtis Higgs and Charlotte Gambill.  These women all amaze me.  They each revealed things about themselves that would make even a bad girl blush!  And as they reminded us, they didn’t tell us to shock us, but rather to show just how graceful and merciful and wonderful our God is.

Listening to Sheila and Missy and Lisa was WONDERFUL and the strength these women have is simply flabbergasting – but I most closely identified with Liz Curtis Higgs and Charlotte Gambill.  Liz Curtis Higgs is the well-known author of “Bad Girls of the Bible“.  She told the story of a part of her life that resonated so strongly with a part of mine.  I sobbed through most of her story.a story of drugs, promiscuity and a life of pure sin.  What’s so great about that story, you ask?  The ending.  God took that woman from the pits and turned her into a woman who is sharing her testimony and reaching out to woman and reminding them that God is bigger than any mess we can get ourselves into.

Then Charl Gambill took the stage.  She is a preacher with her husband in England.  When she first took the stage, she spoke so fast and in such a high-pitched voice that I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it through her entire story.  But then, her passion overtook everything.  Her love for life and Christ shone brighter than the spotlights that illuminated her.  She began with a story of a time that she was in the states and was BEYOND ready to get home.  It was then that a volcano in Iceland erupted and all flights were grounded.  She went on to say she was stuck in the states for a month and then FINALLY the day came and as she was sitting on the plane waiting for it to take off, the pilot came on the overhead and said “Well, I have some bad news.  The volcano in Iceland has erupted again.  But I have some good news also.  I WILL get you there, I just have to take you the long way around.”  She said that at that moment, something just clicked in her spirit – God is saying to us “I WILL get you there, I just have to take you the long way around.”  She then went on to tell the story of her and her husband’s 5 year struggle with infertility and treatments and injections and pain.  As she spoke, I cried.  And cried, and cried and cried.  I could so amazingly closely identify with EVERY. SINGLE. emotion she spoke of.  She told us that God does suddenly and God does slowly.  But we need to understand that He is the God of BOTH and though sometimes He takes us the long way around, that He DOES get us there – even if it’s not the “there” that we expect.  She did a physical illustration that reminded us that, while the long way around may be painful and NOT what we want, that often, God will give us “double for our trouble”.  I, for one, am looking forward to whatever blessings He has in store for me!

Afterwards, as I was talking to my Mother In Law, I was telling her how it’s always so amazing to me that I feel so alone on this journey, but then I can listen to or read the story of a woman on the same journey and all our stories sound so similar and how I can so closely identify to all the emotions.  My Mother In Law said that a lot of the things Charl said, I’ve said too.  I think the thing I was the most grateful for in listening to Charl was that she was speaking about it!  Infertility comes with some deep emotions – shame and embarrassment being the highest on the list I’d say.  It’s hard to talk about it.  It often feels like the ONE thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do, we’re not capable of – and that makes us feel broken.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it many more times I sure, raising the awareness of this invisible illness is the only way to cure the world of the ignorance regarding it!

I almost didn’t go to the conference.  Friday morning at work, I unexpectedly started bleeding.  That is VERY uncommon for me at the point I was in my cycle – I have gotten to know my body better than I ever thought I would!!  I just blogged about how it felt nice to not have to worry about “Is this month MY month?” and then, with some blood, all those emotions I’d pushed to the back burner all came flooding back.  My heart fluttered with the possibilities – “could this be implantation bleeding?  Is it FINALLY MY month?!” Or “is it possibly just a ruptured cysts?  Although that usually comes with sharp pain and I’m just cramping.”  I waited until my OB’s office opened at 8am and called to explain the situation and see what the course of action should be.  They told me to do the one thing I HATE doing because my heart races and races and then often comes to a painfully dead stop – I had to go take a HPT (home pregnancy test).  It was, as always, negative but that didn’t explain the bleeding.  They decided to have me come in for an ultrasound and a consultation later that day.  I was scared and nervous the rest of the day.

The ultrasound showed that I had a nice, mature follicle in my left ovary and possibly hadn’t ovulated yet, which could have been contributing to the bleeding.  They led me to a room where there were some very menacing tools laying on the counter that, quite frankly, scared me.  When the OB came in, it was not my regular OB, but another…  She was pretty awesome, actually.  She did an exam and found that I have a muscle that is contributing to QUITE a bit of the regular pain I am feeling.  She then had me stand up and did some other evaluations that led her to find that I have one hip that is quite a bit higher than the other (I can’t remember the medical term for it).  She said it was normally something that they see in scoliosis patients.  Part of the complications of the muscle that was in spasm is that – if I am ever to conceive – natural delivery will be much more painful, if possible at all.  She said that it will need to be addressed before that time comes and may require some physical therapy, but that natural delivery may seriously complicate things.

It so often feels like I am receiving bad news more than good news.  As hard as it is to wait and annoying as it is to hear people say “God has a plan” – it’s true.  One of my favorite verses from this weekend was Luke 1:37 ” For with God, nothing shall be impossible.”  Every single woman who spoke this weekend was a testament to that, and I am grateful that I was able to be a part of it.  And, as we were reminded this weekend, God catches every tear.  He remembers every broken heart.  He hears every sobbing plea.  God never wastes a hurt.

I’m still here

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written.  If I’m being honest, it’s kinda been nice.  It’s nice to step back for a while and just be me.  To not worry about exactly when I’m ovulating or if this is going to be “our month” or if “that symptom” means something.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s always in the back of my mind… but it’s been nice to not have it be the ONLY thing on my mind.  I guess there has been a part of me that has thought “Maybe, even as much as I HATE hearing ‘just relax’, is exactly what I need to do.”  And then one cycles passes.  Then two.  And I remember – it’s a medical condition, not a mental condition.

November 4th was my husband’s and my 2 year wedding anniversary.  We made it 2 whole years without killing each other!!  We had talked about taking a small vacation – Lord knows we needed it, especially after the last few super emotional months – and after talking with his parents about it, his mom actually decided to purchase plane tickets and even go with us!  I know, most people would think that In-Laws on an anniversary vacation would be a major buzz-kill, but that wasn’t the case at all!  I’ve been very blessed with the in-laws that I have!!  We went to Ormond Beach, Florida and it was AMAZING!  I knew that we needed a vacation, but I didn’t realize just how much until we actually got there.  Surprisingly, I didn’t think about work at all!! Tough to imagine, I know.

While we were there, we spent 2 nights at the Royal Floridian Resort RIGHT on the water.  The weather wasn’t perfect while we were there but it by NO means ruined our time.  There was quite a bit of rain, but we got to enjoy the sunshine as well and one day, as we sat on our balcony, I noticed that a break in the clouds had the sun casting a ray in a direct line onto the water.  My mind started to wonder about what was going on beneath the surface of the water in that spot.  Were the animals that lived there basking in the gift of warmth that the sun was offering, or were they content in the icy waters?  I often find myself wondering what is happening beyond what my eyes can see when I stand in front of the majestic sea.  Life scurrying about.  Animals seeking shelter and food.  One of the days that we were in St Augustine, I was able to sit and watch about 10-12 dolphins jump and play and toss fish back and forth – and I can’t remember a time I felt more at peace, even with all the emotions I was feeling at that moment.  I’ve always possessed a great passion for the ocean.  There is just something about it that is so peaceful and calming.  Strong, unrelenting, ever-changing – yet remaining the same.  I could sit and listen to and watch the waves roll in for hours and never get bored.

The last couple months – like the many before – have been filled with pregnancy announcements, news of loss and all the other happenings that comprise our daily lives.  I can’t quite use the word “normal”, as our normal is so different from most.  I’ve had some time to search my heart some in the last couple months.  My heart still hurts when I hear of a woman who is pregnant or see a woman with that telling bump, but accompanying that ugly green monster lately has been a new perspective – Did she struggle with infertility? Did she get pregnant naturally or have to deal with medical procedures also?  For most women I see, I may never know the answer, but it’s made me feel as though I’m actually making progress in the war against bitterness.

The emotions that I felt after learning that my best friend was pregnant still shock me beyond belief when I think about them.  A friend of mine called it an “a$$-kicking surprise” and I can’t think of a better way to categorize all the emotions!  But lately, a new feeling about it has been creeping in…  a feeling I expected to feel right away.  I’m excited!  I’m going to be an aunt again!  I’m going to have a precious baby to spoil, and then send home!  I’m going to be able to kiss and hug and love and overall smother this child!  But as strong as those feelings of excitement are, they still wage war with the emotions I’m trying my best to tamper.  I haven’t told her about the excitement yet, and I hope that she will forgive me for having to read it here instead of hearing it from my mouth – although I did warn her (again) that I was blogging in part about her.  I guess it’s easier for me to keep my emotions in check when they’re shared in a broader range – plus I’m sure she’s TIRED of hearing me trip over my words in an explanation of what I’m feeling and how it isn’t her fault!!

We started a YouCaring account a bit ago in hopes of lightening the burden of IVF, and have had some wonderful people donate.  We are saving and adding to it as we can.  My husband has an amazing talent for woodworking and will be selling the projects he’s done, and is going to do, in order to donate to our fund.  I also have discovered a passion for photography that I am going to be using to donate to our fund also.  God is so awesome that He already had something lined up for me before I even knew it!  We also started a Facebook page that tells a little about us and references to this blog and our donation account.  If you are interested in checking any of them out, the links will be at the bottom of this blog!

Speaking of this blog – what an amazing outlet this has been for me.  I love that I can write what’s on my heart for all to see.  People always say that think I’m “amazing” and “so strong” for dealing with this… and I know I am.  I may not feel amazing and strong as much as I do broken and discouraged, but what I want people to take from this more than anything is HOPE.  We know that God has a plan for us.  He reminds us every day.  His plans are better than our dreams, and that is what keeps us going.  Thank you for being a part of this journey.  And this blog.  And my life.

www.facebook.com/munchkinmcnabb

www.youcaring.com/munchkin-mcnabb

Sunshine Award!

A little over a week ago, I was nominated by Amanda Gayle for a Sunshine Award.  She is a BRILLIANT writer and I LOVE her recipes!

It feels amazing to be nominated for these awards!  The sunshine award is an award that goes to writers who brighten others days.  But I must admit,  It’s taken me awhile to write this because I haven’t felt very sunshine-y.  I try so hard not to blog when my mood isn’t positive – for lots of reasons.  One of them being – and I KNOW that people are just trying to be nice – if I hear one more person tell me to “be positive”, I just might scream – loud and long!  I am positive most days of the week.  Ok, maybe half.  On a good week.  One of my biggest struggles as of late is, trying not to succumb to the disappointment and discouragement that is eating away at my mind.  Every month that passes, I feel is just another month that I’m closer to never having a baby.  I check our fundraiser DAILY and the needle hasn’t moved in quite some time.  I understand it, and it’s TRULY ok.  But it’s HARD to not let that little voice in my ear become a constant nagging.  One thing I’ve learned on this journey is that I have to let myself FEEL.  But then … I have to MOVE ON!! So, here goes!!

The rules are:

• To link the blogger that nominated you
• To answer 10 questions about yourself
• Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award
• Link to the nominees and let them know!

Here’s my answers!

– Why do you Blog?

Blogging is like an online journal for me.  But also, I do it because I hope that, even with how small I am, that our story may reach just one person.  That they can identify and take away maybe one small jewel from our struggles.

– What are some of your hobbies?

I LOVE to paint!  I’m currently working on expanding my Christmas village.  I’ve painted every. single. home in it with painstaking, loving detail.  I love to paint my nails too!!

– What’s your favorite creative activity?

See above answer!! 🙂

– What is your favorite dish to cook or bake?

I am really just starting to discover my hand at cooking and baking, so I can’t quite say I have a “favorite” just yet!  But for tradition’s sake, I LOVE to make Shoo Fly Pie at Christmas!!!

– What is one positive thing that blogging has brought to your life?

Blogging has made me realize that, even though it often feels like it, that we are NOT alone in our struggle!  I am CONSTANTLY surprised at genuine, quick connection that I have formed with ladies that I have never even met that are so generous to reach out and offer support and love and often, not say a word but just let me feel.

– What makes you most excited about Fall?

The leaves changing color!!! But more than that, there is a crispness in the air… the promise of a new season.  It’s a reminder that – soon – the ground Is going to be covered and the canvas is going to start blank all over again for new things to grow.

– Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter? Why?

Facebook!!! Because I had a twitter account but could NEVER figure it out!  Ugh!

– If you could go anywhere, where would it be?

Paris, France.  No contest!

– What’s your favorite weekend activity?

SLEEPING IN!

– What is your favorite thing about blogging?

Seeing all the diversity!  Learning about different people!  You know how when you drive down a street, you can’t help but look into someone’s front window if they’ve left the window open?  Well, blogging is like seeing open windows as far as you can see!

I nominate:

A Hundred Affections – Her words are open, raw, emotional, touching and unbelievably honest.

Candidly Carol – I LOVE her “candid”ness and how she just puts the truth out there!

I know that’s not 10 people, but right now… Those are the blogs that really stand out in my mind!!

And here’s your questions:

1. If you could do one thing COMPLETELY crazy and death-defying, what would it be?
2. Which do you like better – coffee or tea?
3. What is your favorite holiday?
4. Why did you start blogging?
5. If you were to be trapped on a desert island and could only take 3 items, what would they be?
6. Mousse or Gel for your hair?
7. What’s your FAVORITE kind of food?
8. One HAPPY childhood memory?
9. What is you favorite movie?
10. What would be the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?

Thank you to Amanda, again, for nominating me and feeling that my words were “an inspiration”.  It’s nice to be reminded that my words are heard!

Awareness

Today is a tough day.  It’s National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  And while my heart still hurts when I think about it, my heart is heavy for those that have recently, or are currently, experiencing it.  Tonight at 7pm begins the “Wave of Light.”  Whatever time zone you are in, light a candle and let it burn for one hour.  When that hour is up, someone in another time zone will be lighting their candle, and so on and so on.  A single act done by one that multiples and lights the world, if only for a short time.

My husband and I differ on whether we should participate in the sentiment of this day.  He feels that, while remembering is good, that we should move on and focus on the good that’s to come.  I FULLY appreciate where he is coming from, and agree even – to an extent.  To me, this day isn’t just about remembering what was lost, but remembering the hope for what was, and what’s yet to be.

Last week was rough for me.  Particularly Friday, yet if you asked me to give a concrete reason why, I couldn’t.  After a day filled with tension and frustration, I decided to walk to our local grocery store – I’d basically be killing two birds with one stone because I’d be getting exercise in and, I’d be getting wine!  Walking along the storefront, I passed this man pushing a cart with the most gorgeous, peaceful, sleeping, brand-new baby girl in her precious pink carrier – and I lost it.  In front of the grocery store.  In front of a bunch of people.  In the little town I live in.  I tried SO hard not to cry.  My lip started to quiver and the knot built in my throat, but I FORBID any tears from falling.  Apparently, they didn’t get the memo.  I’m learning to let myself feel my emotions in order to move past them, but I did NOT intend to feel those emotions at that particular time!

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines awareness as “knowing and understanding a lot about what is happening in the world or around you”.  I think that most women that have experienced or are experiencing infertility have realized that there is a SERIOUS lack of awareness.  People often think that we share what’s going on in our lives for sympathy or pity.  But rather, we do it because it’s a part of who we are – whether we want it to be or not.  Education is the only way to raise awareness.

I know I live in a very small part of the world, and no matter where I am, my part of the world stays as small as I make it.  But I’ve talked to some amazing people on this journey, and I’ve gotten a response that I didn’t expect.  Love.  Understanding.  Compassion. Prayer.  And hopefully, I’ve been able to touch just one person in this exploration of who *I* am through all of this.  But if not, I’ve learned a WHOLE lot about ME – and I kinda like me.

Swallowing Our Pride

So – after our interview with the adoption agency the other day – and finding out how much money they want up front – I decided to call my RE’s office and inquire about IVF.  Much to my surprise, it was actually CHEAPER!!

In speaking with them, I found out that they offer a “money back guarantee” IVF program.  For $17,500 (minus the cost of meds) a couple gets 6 fresh IVF cycles and if at the end of the 6 cycles there is no “live birth”, then the couple gets 70% of their money back!  SIGN ME UP!!  So, as I looked into it, I realized that one of the qualifications – an AMH of >1.2 – might exclude me from that program.  My AMH levels are 0.6, so I am, in fact, disqualified.  BUT!!!  They also have what is called a “multi-cycle package”.  For $16,000 (plus the cost of meds) a couple gets 2 fresh IVF Cycles and 2 FET’s (frozen embryo transfers) – provided there embryos to transfer.

After discussing it with my husband in length (and often heated) we decided that if we didn’t at least attempt IVF that there would always be the “what if”.  While we understand that there are a lot of risks of failure with this procedure, we also know that there is the risk of a MIRACLE.  We are asking friends, family and whoever else would like to be a part of this, to please check out the fundraising page that we have started!  We know it’s a big number!  It’s all overwhelming, that’s for sure!  Please don’t feel obligated!  If you can’t give money, we will accept love, support and prayers!!

MORE than Enough

As I sit on my patio this morning enjoying my coffee while the cool breeze of Fall blows around me, I realize – another year has come and gone. Our arms are still empty and aching, but our hearts – those are full. Life certainly has a way of never going just the way you planned it. Oftentimes, that’s a good thing. Other times? It can leave you wondering & imagining a million reasons why.

Friday, September the 6th, our 3rd IUI failed. I remember just a day before feeling that maybe, JUST maybe, it had actually worked! I even did something I don’t do after feeling the loss of miscarriage – I told a friend that I was hopeful. When, once again, that red flagged waved and a visitor I have grown to resent wholeheartedly came to town, I broke – again. I felt like my body had betrayed me, and my feelings had been in on it this time. Such a roller coaster, this journey of infertility. Very high high’s and extremely low low’s… often felt in the same moment. There’s no way to perfectly describe it to anyone that hasn’t been there and it’s nothing you want anyone TO understand. As I messaged back and forth with my husband about the tears that wouldn’t stop and the pain that spilled over no matter how hard I fought, I told him I was tired. Tired of trying. Tired of hurting him, tired of hurting me, tired of hurting everyone we loved. But I told him that even with how bad it hurt, I didn’t want to give up. His loving, patient response was that maybe it was time to “go a different way.” He told me that while he knew I wanted to be pregnant that maybe there was a child out there that needed US.

My husband is one of the biggest blessings in my life. I know I don’t say it enough. My sister and I were talking the other day about how the way we were raised has affected us and our marriages. Affection, touch – those things weren’t abundant to us as children. Not because our parents didn’t love us – of that there’s no doubt – but I think sometimes the rational need to provide overtakes the parental desire to nurture.

When I first met my husband, to say I didn’t like him is putting it mildly! I still recall a specific situation at work that drove me straight into the store manager’s office to tell them that I thought he should be fired. Being delicate is NOT my husband’s forte. Many tears have been shed as a result of my husband voicing his opinion – including mine. People thought I was CRAZY for dating – and then marrying – him. Ever wonder why someone is digging for gold in that rocky, dark, damp place? It’s because they just KNOW that if they spend enough time and dig deep enough, that an AMAZING treasure is going to be found. That’s my husband. He still surprises me almost every day. The support I get from him through this is unmatched. He’s my rock. I can see how badly this hurts him also… because I’m hurting and because I think he’s realized how much he wants it also. We’ve both learned so much through all of this, but what I’ve learned is that the people with the toughest exterior, usually have the softest interior – it’s just a matter of getting to it.

My husband and I have decided that we are going to begin looking in to – and embarking on – the adoption journey. In my search of things to keep my mind occupied – since this is the first month in a few that I’ve not had Dr’s appts & ultrasounds & pills & injections – I went to the Christian bookstore and began searching out books about adoption and infertility. A friend that works at Lifeway helped me find a book titled “Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?”. As I was reading through the Foreword by Drew Cline, a Christian Recording Artist, he gives his “Testimony of Hope” in reliving their infertility journey and at one point (after two failed attempts at IUI) says to his wife – ” ‘This should be done at home where we can love on each other in the privacy of our own home and marriage, not in some clinical test tube. Does God not think we’ll make good parents?’ To which my precious wife responded, ‘It takes more love to walk through this process, more sacrifice, more commitment.’ ” So. Much. Truth. I’m trying to get through this book. There is so much awesome stuff in it, but I seem to have trouble seeing the words as I read it.

Yesterday, I had a painful procedure done that crossed one more thing off the list of “Reasons Why We Can’t Have a Baby.” It’s nice to be able to eliminate reasons, but that just means we get one step closer to not having any reasons. I’ve resolved myself to give up the right to understand on a daily basis. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it many more times I’m sure, but it so perfectly describes everything in just two short words – God knows. God knows if we are ever going to have a baby that will look at me through my husband’s eyes. God knows if we will ever have a baby that will fulfill my mother’s curse of “having a daughter just like me.” God knows if we will adopt a baby that needed US as parents. God knows if we are going to have empty cribs but full memory banks. God knows. And while I’ve said that’s enough for me, I’m learning to let it be MORE than enough.

Severe Thunderstorm Warning

As I sit here, we’re minutes away from the time that the warning will expire for our sleepy little town, and it will be well past expired by the time I’m done.  Weather radios crackle to life with the warning that a severe storm is headed our way.  “For your protection move to an interior room on the lowest floor of a building” warns the weather app on my phone.  The news can tell you how fast the storm is moving, when it will hit, how long it will stay and how much damage it may inflict before it moves along.  I wish there was something like that for our lives.  A warning system that tells us that there are “severe storms” ahead – sharp curves, steep grades, strong winds, driving rain, hail.  But how many of us would choose different paths if we knew just what God had planned for us?  If we were able to know our afflictions before we faced them, how many of us would beg that it pass us over?  I know Jesus did.  But then He said “Not MY will, but YOURS be done.”

These last 8 days have been kinda brutal.  The hormone injections have affected me more than I thought they would.  One day, on the way to work I actually had to pull off the interstate just to vomit.  I know, gross – sorry.  But, we had our ultrasound and things are looking promising.  My body is kinda getting the hang of it, I guess, and produced more follicles in this cycle than it did in the other two combined!  As I think about what I’ve put my body through in the last 6 months, I wonder – if I had known how badly the hormones were going to affect me, would I have done it?  And the answer is always a resounding YES.  Through the nausea and hot flashes and headaches and muscle cramps and sheer exhaustion – I’d totally do it again.  To be certain, it’s a gamble.  And as one famliy member has recently made very clear, it’s an investment that – thus far – has had zero return.  I don’t fault that family member for pointing that out.  That point certainly wasn’t lost on me, however.

I know this is hard for everyone – but I’ve found myself retreating.  Retreating into a world that consists of my husband and I.  It’s peaceful here… and everybody knows my name.  The girl that used to be hard to shut up, now goes a couple days without saying much.  When you ask me how I am, I’ll say “fine” but I’ll be thinking many other words…  Broken.  Confused.  Anxious.  Bitter.  Angry.  Empty.  Defeated.  But not one of those words define me.  They are just emotions.  And if I’ve learned anything in this storm, it’s that – like the wind and rain – they change at any moment.

What am I gonna do?

Faith is such a tricky word.  Merriam-Webster dictionary defines faith as a “firm belief in something for which there is no proof.”  A Bible verse that I remember learning as a child was Hebrews 11:1 – “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things not seen.”  That verse has been niggling at the back of my brain for awhile now.  When I looked it up on my handy-dandy Bible app on my phone, I read it in the New International Version and this is what it reads – “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”  Wow.

When I hear stories about people who’ve had these big “ah-ha” moments about their faith, I find myself wondering if I’m doing something wrong.  Should I have had my “ah-ha” moment by now?  Will I ever?  Things have happened in my life that have made me SO angry with God.  I’ve questioned Him, yelled at Him, blamed it on Him, asked Him why.  I’ve never had a neon sign light up in front of my face that says “Here I am. I’m real. I not only know what you’re going through, but I planned it this way. I’m sorry it hurts, but TRUST ME.”  But there HAVE been days what I’ll get a random text from a friend asking how I am.  Or a phone call from someone I haven’t heard from in awhile just to check in.  Or a breeze on a hot day when I feel like there’s no relief in sight.  I know what that is.  Max Lucado says ” Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want.  It is the belief that God will do what is right.”  Man, that’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes!

Last month, we began the actual IUI process.  Simply put, it’s a 2 week process that involves stimulation hormones, ultrasounds, an at-home injection & the actual insemination.  The hormones weren’t as much of a nightmare as I’d heard (thank God for that!), but I did have some headaches, dizziness and hot flashes.  When we went up for the ultrasound that would tell us how my body was responding to the stimulation hormones, it revealed that I had 3 follicles that were mature & ready for the trigger injection that would make me ovulate. Our Dr also gently told us that some results of my blood tests he’d ordered weren’t good.  My AMH levels were pretty low.  (Remember, you can click on those little blue words and there’s secrets behind them!)  He said that he’d been expecting many more follicles, but that was likely contributed to my AMH levels.  Our chances of getting pregnant naturally were pretty much gone.  And if this IUI didn’t work, he would have to get much more aggresive with the treatments.  The next round of IUI would consist of at-home injections instead of oral hormones.  Then if that didn’t work, we would have to consider IVF.

We travelled to Cincinnati the night before our IUI, since we had to be there early the next morning and neither of us really wanted to drive.  In addition to that, there was a NASCAR race that weekend and our trip there took us right past the speedway – and we didn’t want to take ANY chances missing our appointment!   We made it to the lab that morning at 9am & they collected the sample from my husband.  My appointment wasn’t until 10:30am, to give the lab the time to “wash” the sample – separate the bad from the good & concentrate it.  After a wait in the lobby, we were led to the room where all the equipment for the insemination was laying out.  We knew that our Dr wasn’t working that weekend so we weren’t surprised when one of the partners from the institute came in the room.  What we were surprised by was what he said next.  “Mr & Mrs McNabb, unfortunately, we are not going to be able to perform the procedure today.”  I remember hearing the rest of his words, I just don’t recall how.  He told us that he would let our Dr know and that he was sorry.

As we left the office and I crumbled against the wall in tears, Jon put his arm around me and led me out of the building.  I don’t really remember much of the walk to the car, or the ride home.  I do remember trying to call my mother in law and having to hand the phone to him so he could explain because I couldn’t talk.  I didn’t really talk to anyone for close to 2 days after we received that news.  I knew that all hope wasn’t gone, but it sure felt like it in that moment.  Our Doctor called us – personally – on Monday night.  After answering he asked, “How are you?” and then he did something I’ve never really experienced with a Doctor…  Aside from the fact that he sounded like he really MEANT it, he waited to hear my answer.  “Upset. Annoyed. Confused. Devastated.”  He went on to say that he was confused also, but that we would get to the bottom of this and he would ensure it.  He then ordered some other analyses and testing to be done.  I feel so blessed that we have the Dr that we do taking care of us.

I’ve always loved music.  It picks me up, soothes my soul, gives me energy.  Kerrie Roberts has a song called “No Matter What” that has spoken to me many times.  It says “Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through your hands… I know you can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you. No matter what.”  When I heard this song the other morning on my way to work, I remember thinking “What am I going to do? ”  Not in the “woe is me” kind of way but in the “Am I going to trust Him – no matter what?” kind of way?  You bet I am!